Looking for a girflriend?

THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS\

            It’s almost Christmas time and I bet most of us have had times when we were single around Christmas or New Year’s and thought to ourselves, I wish I had a girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. You may have even gone to the library (where the flesh and blood books live), online or maybe even so far as YouTube. Looking for ways to get a significant other. Looking for some way to have a romantic relationship before this year is over. Looking for pickup lines that actually work. Once in a while you might find one that actually is good advice. One that will actually get you new squeeze. People have studied what pickup lines are good and what ones will only get a smile.

These are all well and good but they neglect one vital area of research. The Pick-up lines that do NOT work. The pick-up lines that fail now, failed in the past, and will ALWAYS fail. So from a single white male (SWM) here are:

PICK UP LINES (AND TECHNIQUES) THAT WILL NOT GET YOU A GIRLFRIEND.

1. Walk into a lesbian bar and say almost anything sexual.
2. Walk into any social gathering and cry “I need a girlfriend, please.”
3. “Come on, you know you want me’
4. “I may not be the most attractive man here, but you aren’t the most attractive girl here either.”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

6. (Don’t remember where I heard this one.  Possible copyright infringement) “You may not be the most attractive woman in the world, but I’m the only one talking to you.”
7.“You remind me of my sister/mother/aunt/grandma: (OMG! What were you thinking?)/ or any other female family member
8. You remind me of my brother/dad” . . . You get the idea
9. What happened to you face!?!”

5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)
10. “Did you just fart? Because I was just blown away.” (That one might work with the right girl)
11. Rating her much below a ten on the “hotness meter.’
12. ([Don’t remember where I heard this one.  Possible copyright infringement]. Sure, it might work, but it’s a bad idea.) “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
“13. Date me or I’ll kill your guard/attack dog?”
14. “I’d love to rape you?”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

15. “Do you want to be the next girl I rape?
16. “Come on, you can trust me. I’m not a serial killer . . . yet.”
17. “Hey there, I’m Donald trump.” (It doesn’t work very well for the real Trump.)
18. “Marry me?” (LMAO *plop*)
“19. Date me?”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

20. If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put 4 and 22 together.
21. Getting a girlfriend at family reunion? It’s usually frowned upon.
22. “We need to talk” (LOL)
23. “Do you ALWAYS dress that way?”
24.  “Make a porno with me.”
“5. “I am Groot.” (To be said in a higher voice or after inhaling helium.)

25>Father my children.”
26. How much do you charge?”
27. (For fans of the musical RENT} I want to fuck you Five hundred twenty-five thousand and six hundred different ways.
28. Sorry, I’m taken” (Yes, even if you have your fingers crossed behind your back.)

29. (I actually know a girl who had a man say to her something like) ‘Your eyebrows look like big bushy caterpillars’ (and he was dead serious).

And, of course, say it with me

5. WE are Groot. ;)

a flawed story

                I rarely let any pessimism show online. After all, who wants to read negativity? We have enough of our own problems to deal with why compound them with someone else’s problems? While that may be true I had to get this off my chest.

Alexa/the Echo Dot is not a professional story teller!

            Let me go beyond that and say that she’s not even a good story teller. Now some of you may be laughing, thinking We already knew that she’s a computer and she was MADE to be an assistant and the hope is that she will make out lives easier.  Others of you might be thinking, Wait, my Echo Dot can tell stories?

            Yes “she” can. Just ask her to tell you a story. Lately, Amazon has a thing going on where every day you can ask “her” to open you gift and “she” will give you a small gift. Today her gift was a story. Which brings us to the topic of this post.

Now keep in mind, I’m not claiming to be a professional story teller and I’m well aware that you can always say ‘this is what I would have done. However, if I can see these problems a better story teller would have probably pointed out these flaws as well. The story is titled “Sharing Season”  which gives away the ending but there’s more. The story is about a dog and cat waiting for some food from the Christmas feast to fall on the ground, when a meatball rolls right in between the two of them. I would have mentioned that part of the Christmas feast was spaghetti and meatballs, just to add a bit of tension. The cat pounces on the meatball and snickers “you snooze you lose” I would say the cat hisses “you snooze you lose” or something. Then the dog starts to whimper and bark. The family wonders what’s going on and see the dog, right after the cat rolls the meatball over to the dog to “frame” him? The meatball rolled onto the floor AND it is not bitten into. That is not a very successful framing job. The father says that they should let the dog keep it and the dog snickers at the cat. The cat ignores him but then the dog feels guilty and “growls ‘oh just take it’ ‘Really? ‘meows the cat’. Then the cat says “Wait, I have an idea” and the father says look under the table and the see two of them are sharing it. “’this is nice ‘the dog says. ‘Yes’ the cat purred, ‘but don’t get used to it.’”

I agree it’s a cute story but if you keep the titled in mind you know the dog and cat will end up sharing the meatball. The cat meows and purrs while the dog whimpers and barks. Is this author against dogs does the author even have a dog or a cat? The cat could have hissed instead of snickered as it pounced on the meatball. The dog can pant while speaking. The cat seems to show joy more than the dog. At the end the author could have said, “’This is nice’” the dog says WHILE WAGGING HIS TAIL”

In conclusion I would have change the title, so the ending isn’t so predictable, maybe “the dog or the cat?” or something. I would have mentioned the spaghetti and meatballs dish before a meatball rolls on the floor, just to add a little tension. I would have given the dog and a few more animal-like actions (you never see any real “innocent” happiness from the dog) and, minor point, I was hoping the cat was going to slice the meatball in half with “her” (?) claws  Just some gripes I have and ideas to improve this short story and any future stories others may wish to write. I might forget these tips, but I’m not a professional story teller either.

Do nice guys HAVE to finish last

A fun little side not this is my first poem that goes ABABAB, CDCDCD, EFEFEF. For those of you who don't speak poetry lingo, that means that the end of every single line in each verse/stanza rhymes with every other line in that stanza. You'll get the idea.

BREAKING FREE

I’ve heard that “good things come,

To those who wait.”

Does that mean just have fun

And procrastinate?

Don’t get things done,

Just trust in fate?

I’ve done that for,

A lot of my life

It can be kind of a bore,

I don’t mean to cause strife

I don’t want to wage war,

or stress 'bout a wife

But I’m though with that,

I don’t want to wait

taking off my patience hat,

I can’t just anticipate 

waiting for “my turn at bat”

And wishing for a true mate.

It’s time for me to go outside

And show 'em what I can do,

I’ve got an advocate by my side

Cuz I'M a person too,

You're welcome to join me on this ride

Cuz I'll be seeing you

thoughts about marriage

                I have not posted for a while. I haven’t run out of ideas, I just haven’t felt the need or desire to. Plus I am usually occupied at the time(s) I used to write posts or busy hanging out with my brother   (we are trying an “experiment” called QUALITY TIME [not to be confused with QUANTITY TIME], at my request]). And my desire to write has decreased (but that is neither here or now). “I don’t know why I feel the need to defend myself.”

            As I woke up on July 31^st, 2018, I found myself thinking about marriage, not my marriage, but marriage in general. Is it needed or even desirable? Still, in the current world?  In the following essay that is a question I hope to answer, or at least raise some thoughts about.

WHY DO PEOPLE STILL GET MARRIED?

Is Marriage (Still) Necessary?

          In the older days (I think until a little while after the great depression, but don’t quote me on that) women would get married so they wouldn’t be a penniless, spinster their whole life. No word on why the men married. Maybe it was kindness, lust, or they truly loved the woman. Who knows why men got married in those days? Today, however, it seems that less and less people are seeing the need for marriage, they are fine saying they love the person and want to be with him/her forever, but don’t see the need to make it official. Are they wrong?

            Let me relate to you a personal story. I was dating a woman from June 30^th to November 11^th, 2013. Somewhere in there she got me to agree to let her sleep at my house, because A) most of our dates were at night, in my home watching a movie (that’s not as boring as it sounds)so it was easier to sleep over instead of going home late, B) my apartment was closer to her place of work than her actual home and C) she asked and I saw no reason to say no.  After she slept here a few weekdays (on weekends she would go home to spend the days with her son, he didn’t live far from her “official” place of residence. After she slept at my place for a few nights (months, weeks, I don’t really remember for sure) I invited her to share my bed with me (I did not intend to have sex with her, I was still thinking I might wait until I was married, I was foolish).  Eventually she gave me a hand job and things got more and more serious from there.  It’s important to remember that I was a virgin until this time, I was more than happy to let her change that. What red-blooded heterosexual man would turn down sex with a woman who he felt a connection with.  This woman was the first woman who I had dated, frequently, since 2003 or 2004 (yes, I might be a loser). On top of that she seemed to understand what I said. This was a big deal, because I have a speech disorder and she could understand almost every single word without frequently asking me, “What?”

            Then one night she pointed out we were doing everything married couples do, EXCEPT for getting married. “Nothing will really change afterward.” If my life were a tv show I would freeze everyone around me, look at the camera and say, “that ladies is gentlemen is a classic line and it always ends up being bullshit,” or I might do a fake cough while saying, “Bullshit” or I could say, “That’s what they always say and it is always a pile of bullshit,” or . . . but you get the idea.

            Ask any married couple if things changed after their marriage and, as long as the honeymoon phase is over I bet you they will answer with a resounding yes.  My older brother was smart. He has a girlfriend who he is not married to and as far as anyone knows they don’t plan to formally get married. My sister has been married, divorced and she now she lives with her boyfriend and his two boys.  If you aren’t married you don’t officially belong to each other, you can grab your stuff and leave at any time.  I don’t know if that’s why things change, but my girlfriend and her son (when he wasn’t in school) moved into my apartment with my brother (she indirectly tried to find ways so my brother WOULDN’T live with us, but that is another story) and a two-person apartment is a cramped place for 4 people.        

            Marriage may be a wonderful way for two people to express their love, but is it still necessary. Can’t you just say, “I love you and I want you to be the woman I fuck for the rest of my life, unless this relationship fails”? A marriage is not any more permanent than living together, there are tons of people out there who are divorced, and it’s a lot easier to end a relationship if it was never recognized by the state in the first place (Divorces are a messy business and they can take FOREVER to get finalized).

            I’m not saying that ALL people do what we did, but my ex and I had something called a “Commitment Ceremony” and we were married except the state never knew it. When I realized it wasn’t working I just told her that I needed some time to think (two months is usually customary for a trial separation) and I realized that my life was better without her. No divorce, no mess, I didn’t even have any kind of permanent ownership of her kid. It was just over and done with.

            In the older days marriage was necessary and now it is continued so that we don’t “live in sin,” but I feel that marriage has outstayed it’s welcome. If you are worried about having sex out of wedlock Commitment Ceremonies are almost the same thing.  All this is just some thoughts I was having and I just had to donate my two bits.

            I understand that this is a very sensitive area for some.  You may feel that I am out of my depth and don’t know what I’m talking about, that is possible (I was only married from November 11^th to Feb 25^th), and you are more than welcome to object.   No two people are the same, my thoughts may be a little different from yours or wildly different.  Understand I’m not giving you permission to divorce you significant other or even suggesting you do so. If you are married and that is going well for you keep that going.   But before you get married assess if you are sure that’s what you want.  Then ,if you proceed with the marriage, after you’ve been married for a month/half a year/whatever, take a step back and ask, “has my life truly become better or worse from this marriage?”          

Is he the one?

   A while ago i wrote an article about how to tell if your interest is the one for you. However it was written from the male perspective. While i am still a male, and i don’t plan on changing that, I do know a few things about women.  If you observe both articles you’ll notice that the reasons can relate to either sex, mostly.  Without further ado let me present . . .
HOW TO TELL THEY AREN'T THE ONE FOR YOU (FEMALE EDITION) 
1. If they are male there is a great likelyhood they are not the one for you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hahahahahahaha LOL ROFL LMAO ROLFLMAO ha ha ha plop! (Sorry I just laughed my head off).
2. If you are a lesbian and they are male.
3.  If they are dead.
4. If they are Imaginary. (I don’t care how well you get along with him. In the end it’s not going to lead anywhere. Plus he can’t impregnate you, if you want to get pregnant, no matter how hard you try.)
5. If he is married there’s good odds he’s the wrong one(unless, he’s married to you).
(Those of you who know me are aware that i rarely like to approach things from the more serious side, but there are a few more reasons that are serious. I feel I should mention them.)
6.  If you are in a relationship that needs to be a secret there are good odds that you shouldn’t be in that relationship in the first place.
7. If you are being abused physically, emotionally or psychologically get out of there as fast as you can!
8. This kind of relates to the previous one. if your social life has decreased, you are getting depressed a lot, or there is some other kind of change in your life take a step back and examine your life.  You might even want to talk to others to find out what has caused this.  It might be your significant other, understand that I’m not saying that you should dump them there and then, but you might need therapy or something.
Sorry to get serious for a while, I’ll try to watch that.  Until next time this is Mike-el Wood signing out.

Is she the one?

Using my many years of experience (almost 34) I’ve learned a lot. And, as such, I have compiled a handy list of ways to tell that the woman you think you are in love with is not the one for you. Warning: Some of this will seem strangely specific. Please keep in mind this is not the list to end all lists, and there are exceptions to every rule, these are just MY opinions

HOW TO TELL THEY AREN’T THE ONE FOR YOU.

(WRITTEN BY A MAN).

            If you don’t know her full name.  “Should I marry W? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.”-Woody Allen

            If she is living in your house with you and it starts to look like she was the only one who lived there. Especially if she doesn’t REALLY help with the expenses, bills, rent (if applicable), etc.

            She does her best to avoid you at all costs.

            She hears what she wants to hear. Not selective hearing, worse than that. She says that she has said stuff, or that stuff has been said, but you, and others, are sure she never said any such thing.

            She’s a master manipulator. (Some manipulation might be fine, but you have to take a step back and see how you have changed.)

            You are kept busy beyond reason so you don’t really have the TIME to think. What is she running from? It can always be beneficial to get some time away and examine your thoughts.

            She openly tells you, repeatedly “I hate you. No, I don’t want to date you. Get it through your brain. I despise you with every fiber of my being.”

            You are her significant other, but she discusses a threesome with someone else before approaching you with it. You are the last one she suggests it to.

            She tells you she enjoys cooking, but after a while she STOPS cooking, just out of the blue, even though she knows you enjoy her cooking.

            She never is able to make time for you, especially if she makes up ridiculous reasons why she is busy, “Yeah I have to build a new aquarium out of logs for my pet cat. I don’t know why but she seems to LOVE water.”

            She hates you.

            She is a pathological liar.

            She is dependent on you to make her happy and says that being in your company is the only time(s), she is truly happy. (I want my other to be happy, but I don’t want her to depend on me for her happiness. That can really wear on you after a while.)

            You have never seen her.

            She is imaginary.

            She doesn’t exist.

            She is actually a he (unless you’re into that.)

            She cheats on you regularly.

            She is a terrible person.

            She is everything you despise,

            You hate her

And above all, if you had to abduct her, against her will, to spend any time with her, then, I’m sorry, but she is NOT the one for you.

just for fun

             Some of these are no brainers, but I thought this could make a fun list. Hopefully, you enjoy it too.

THINGS YOU WILL (MOST LIKELY) NEVER SEE.

                The Church of God for atheists.

            Bible study: Tonight’s topic=the big bang.

            Best-selling book(s) with several blank pages.

            Unpublished books

            Unreleased movies

            A woman/wife who is wrong. :P

            A man asking for directions. ;)

            Atlantis

            Flying reindeer (TV doesn’t count)

            Flying caribou
            I'm non-profit/homeless/low-income/broke, you can be too. Ask me how!
            Book/movie/tv-series: Enron and other success stories!
            School for the stupid
            

            That’s all I got right now. I do have some bigger projects in mind, but they will have to wait longer. Hope you enjoyed. By the way, feel free to add to the list.