my shortest post to date

In the past I've done some numbered things. Fun lists but this is the shortest list I've written so far. It's just a fun little thought I had today as I was awakening from a nap, I hope you enjoy it. (By the way I am a student in college, so this may be my last post until December.)

POINTLESS/NONSENSICAL STUDY GUIDES (PART 1)

          1. Study guides on study guides

            2. Study guides on memorization

            3. Study guides for blood tests

            4. Study guides for immediate talents (i.e. singing, guitar playing, any sports, etc.)

           

            Before you complain about number two, I know that a study guide for memorization may exist and sounds like it would be helpful, but there isn  ot one way to memorize. There are an infinite amount of ways memorize and you just have to find what works for you. I'm sure that there are many more of these, but these four were just spur of the moment.

THE GOSPEL OF ST. MIKE (PART 1)

I'd like to apologize beforehand, if you find this offensive or sacrilegious, tough. Deal with it. *evil grin*  But seriously, just try to remember that it's comedic and not meant to offend anyone.  If you are Mormon just remember the 8th Article of Faith: We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly, maybe this is the correct translation.  (I am not Mormon, but I have some Mormon background). And now, enjoy the first installment of  THE GOSPEL OF ST. MIKE.

IN THE BEGGINNING,

It was another day in heaven and God had just finished creating the Earth (if you believe that theory, at least).    As God surveyed his work he knew that one day Adam would be banished from the Garden of Eden.  After all, man is a curious animal by nature. If you place him in a paradise and tell him he can do anything, but eat from ONE tree, the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, he’s bound to get bored sooner or later.  He might enjoy his freedom at first, but after a while he is bound to wonder is this all there is to life? Do I just live in here forever never dying? What’s the point? After you’ve accomplished all you feel you can accomplish in an area, don’t you go out looking for bigger and better things?  And don’t you try not to pass up too many opportunities that might be beneficial to you?  After Adam and his domestic partner, Eve, accomplished everything in the garden except eating from the Forbidden Tree, it’s natural that they would get curious.  Start wondering what’s so bad about this one tree. Start thinking but this is paradise, what could possibly go wrong in such a serene place?  Maybe God was mistaken. Maybe he was thinking of a different tree.

God foresaw all of this, so he knew that after Adam and Eve were banished from the garden sin would follow soon after.  Then he would need to send someone to earth to redeem man of his numerous sins.  If not that, at least someone who could try to teach us one of the better ways to live, so he started holding auditions.  “Go to Earth! Accomplish Great things! Die for mankind! Rise again three days later! Be worshipped and quoted forever! BE A LEGEND IN YOUR OWN TIME! If interested apply within.” read the advertisement. Well, this sounded like a good deal.  Become a legend just by dying?  Death isn’t appealing to anyone, but whoever was chosen would only be dead for three days and then rise again, that couldn’t be too bad.  There were, naturally, a lot of applicants.

God wasn’t looking forward to interviewing all of them, but since he was the boss of heaven he had to do it.  The first person to be interviewed was Bob

“Bob” began God, “why should I choose you? What sets you apart from everyone else?”

Bob looked down and said “I don’t really know, I’m just applying for this job on a dare. I don’t seriously want the position.  I just didn’t want to be called chicken.”

God let out a frustrated sigh “Ok Bob, thanks for coming in, I’ll be announcing who was selected in a few months.”

“Is that the only question?” Bob asked.

“It’s the only question I need to ask you” God replied.

God walked Bob out and looked at the line, the end was too far to see with the naked eye, but God, being all-powerful saw the end and he let out a sigh, this was going to take a long time.

“If any of you are here on a dare,” God began in his booming voice, “or something along the same lines please get out of line.  I only want to see serious applicants think of this as a free or enforced chicken and get out of line.”  Many people got out of line but there were still more people in line than God could believe. With a weary sigh he said, “next.”

One woman came in because she thought it was the line to go to Earth under normal circumstances.

“I’ve told you before Katrina,” God told her patiently, “when the time comes I’ll find you”

There were many applicants, but more than half of the remaining ones had entered under false pretenses or misunderstandings. After a while, God decided to interview the people in groups of three.  At least that way it would be a bit faster.

In walked Fred, George and Lucifer.  Fred and George were pretty average, you know the type: button-up shirt, freshly ironed pants, a silk tie and nicely polished shoes.  They wanted to look as good as they could for this interview and then there was Lucifer.  Lucifer was the bad boy that every mother warns their daughter about.  He was wearing a leather jacket over his t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers.  His hair was slicked back with a generous amount of gel as he waited in line, his mirror sunglasses making it hard to guess what he was thinking or if he was even looking at you.

“Fred, George and Lucifer-,” God began before he was interrupted.

“Please, call me Satan,” Lucifer said.

Ignoring him God said “George tell me about what would happen after you died for your sins?”

“Well according to the advertisement out there I would rise again in three days, but I don’t want no glory, I think I’d give the glory to Fred” George gestured in Fred’s direction.

“I don’t want no glory either,” Fred protested, “give the glory to someone else.

Watching them with a bit of amusement God said, “I’m sorry but neither of you two are what I am looking for. George you shouldn’t offer the glory to Fred, but Fred if glory is offered you take it.  

What about you,” God looked at Lucifer saying the next word with a bit of scorn, “Satan? What would happen after you died for the sins of mankind?”

                “Please call me Beelzebub.  Well, I would go and die for their sins, but after I rose there would never be sins again.  I would make sure of it and, unlike these losers “Lucifer points to Fred and George, “I would gladly accept all the glory and praise I could get for this gig.”

                God shook his head, “I’m sorry but you are not what I’m looking for either, In fact for even thinking of taking all the glory I-I don’t ever want to see you again. Get out of heaven and take those “friends” of yours with you.”

As they walked out Lucifer whispered to the next person in line, “don’t take the glory for yourself, he doesn’t like that reply.”

                The next person in line was a bright young chap named Jesus. And God called him and two other people of no note into his office.

                “Jesus,” God said, “Tell about the events after your death.”

                “Well, didn’t the advertisement say I would rise three days later?” Jesus asked.

                “Yes it did,” God replied, “who would you give the glory and fame to?”

                Having been forewarned Jesus asked him “Who do you think it should go to?”

                God smiled, smugly “I should get all the glory, of course, this whole idea was my plan after all.”

                “Then,” Jesus told him “I would direct the glory in your direction, keeping none for myself”

                God smiled from ear to ear “Finally, someone has got the question right! Jesus you are the Savior of all of Earth, congratulations”

                Jesus tried to protest that he had wanted to be the Savior of Mars, but God wouldn’t listen. When Jesus finally went to Earth he was a little disgruntled at having been sent Earth instead of Mars, so he did take a bit of the glory for himself, but not enough that God noticed.

                Satan, on the other hand, built his own kingdom and is constantly trying to build it to be as big as God’s empire.  He’s having a hard time doing it though what with all the slander and false advertising God throws around. “Eternal fire” “Pain and suffering” or, one of the most popular, “No healthcare plan.” With such bad publicity few people seem to have a desire to go to Hell, but one of these days Hell will freeze over and maybe then people will want to visit, after all, I don’t know if there’s skiing in heaven.

 

revenge of music as the written word

MAESTRO IF YOU PLEASE (PART TWO)

                This has been long in coming. I have been busy or putting it off. I don’t really have an excuse for waiting so long to post this beyond laziness. May was a busy month, but beyond that I can’t offer a good reason for the long break.

                As promised this is a short, unfinished song I wrote about Alaska, but first a bit of an explanation.  This is probably one of the more elaborate songs I have written. I imagine myself singing it and all the lines that are in parentheses (  ) are sung by female backup singers as if echoing my voice.  Though as you will see, they aren’t really. My family and I went to Alaska to visit my cousins. Some of them have since moved.  This is one of the longest trips I’ve ever taken by plane and it was a rarity that we would travel so far.  I’m not sure how we afforded it, but we did. And now, the song:

ALASKA SONG [it doesn’t really have a title]

[slow tempo]

Some people sing of a girl they love,

Some people sing of the stare up above,

Some people sing of the sky, oh so blue,

I’ll try to sing a good song for you.

[up the tempo]

My cousins live in Alaska,

In the sun they do not bask-a

I know  the money can be quite a task-a,

But somehow got to Alaska

(ba da ba da da da)

We went to alaska in an aeroplane (airplane)

We could not a afford a whirlybird (helicopter)

We could not afford a private jet (we’re not rich)

So an aeroplane is what you get (not a pauper)

[Next part spoken like a storyteller or a historian In the style of Monty Python and the search for the Holy Grail.]

                Yes Mike and his family went to Alaska in the June of 2007 just before the summer started to get scorching hot.  It was him, one of his brothers, his parents, and his four grandparents spending some time together in Alaska to have some fun and visit his cousins.  But how did they live in Alaska? I’m glad you asked.

[back to singing]

My cousins live in Alaska,

In the sun they do not bask-a,

I know the motor home life can be quite a task-a,

But that’s how we lived in Alaska.

When in Alaska we rented a motor home (mobile home)

It was an eight sleeper (eight people)

That’s  right, eight entire people in one mobile home (motor home)

Then we bought a six one which was cheaper (two went home)

[spoken again this time like an old cowboy story]

Mike’s family rented an eight person motor home in Alaska for the first seven days then the parent’s of Mike’s father went home. This was the plan all along.  For the remaining time [7 days] it was only six people, so they rented a cheaper motor home.

[end]

That was as far as I got in that song.  It’s a true story.  I enjoyed spending time in the motor home with everyone, though some people had told me it would be hell (pardon my French).  I can’t say that any of the memories were better than another, but two which significantly stand out in my mind right now are as follows.  When my Mom’s dad stole a peanut-shaped plate from a restaurant for my Dad’s mom (she wanted to buy one, but they weren’t for sale) and then my Mom’s father took it back the next morning, correctly assuming that my Dad’s mother would feel guilty, that’s one of them.  And then after watching “The producers without my Dad’s parents, my mom’s father was singing the song “Make it gay” (while in the restroom at a stop, my Dad joking said that he had called my grandfather a crazy person or said something to the effect of “stay away from me”) and I don’t know how long it had been since my grandpa had last sang, but the next day (per my request) my grandma and grandpa performed a song in two part harmony.

Music as the written word.

MAESTRO IF YOU PLEASE (PART ONE)

            Thinking today I realized that I was wrong when I informed you that “The Dinosaur” is the only one of my poems I have memorized.  However, I do think it’s the only poem I’ve memorized that isn’t set to music. I have written a few short songs (that aren’t well known songs slightly altered) and I remember all the words to two of them. The first one I’m going to share with you isn’t entirely mine. I think it might have been delivered by a higher power. I know, almost everything comes from God or whatever you believe in, but this one was a bit different. It came entirely written and with the music already in it.  I’m not certain that it is my own work.  If you ask nicely I might sing it to you sometime.  The only thing this song doesn’t have is a title.

Here we go into the night,

Friendly angels in our flight,

Helping others throughout the land,

We hold the world in our hand.

We come to you when you need us most,

Some regard us as a gho-ost.

Angels forever, that’s what we are,

Helping others near and far

            Next time I will be posting an unfinished song I wrote about my vacation to Alaska.

a special treat

                This will, hopefully, be worst piece you will read on here.

THE EVOLUTION OF A POEM

                If you read my “About Me” you will see reference to my first poem “The Dinosaur.” Along with it being the first poem I ever put to paper, it is also the only poem that I have memorized word for word.  Over the years it has changed with the central story line staying the same, so I have decided to share the first and most recent version with you.   Although it’s not my best poem I think it does a good job of illustrating how even a sub-par writer can excel (even if he can’t make his first poem spectacular). I hope you enjoy it.

THE DINOSAUR

Once there was a dinosaur,

A hundred feet tall or maybe more,

Twenty feet wide and striped all over,

Some people caught him and named him Rover,

Someone found him and gave him the key

And that someone was a little monkey,

For dinner they went to the monkeys house,

And guess what they had. A big fat mouse!

But they decided they weren’t starved,

So they had a turkey, it was carved

And the monkey went to his friend’s house,

And gave his friend the big fat mouse.

And his friend gave it to the dinosaur,

Who was a hundred feet tall or maybe more.

                You’ll notice that the previous poem is a bit clumsy and parts of it don’t make sense. Why did the monkey have to give him the key? Why’d they have a carved turkey, if they weren’t that hungry?  Also it is written in rhyming couplets, something I rarely do anymore (maybe I like to show off with four line stanzas).  As I got older the first thing I changed was his height, he is now “a thousand feet tall or maybe more” I didn’t take into account that 20 feet might make for a very skinny thousand feet tall dinosaur until this most recent version.  When I was a kid I thought feet were a big measurement.  The next thing I did was added another stanza (it will be italicized in the final version) and finally I made a small change to the turkey to get my message across a bit more clearly (that will also be italicized). And now for the official version of “The Dinosaur”

THE DINOSAUR.

Once there was a dinosaur,

A thousand feet tall or maybe more,

A ton of feet wide and striped all over,

Some people caught him and named him Rover.

When he was caught he went into a rage,

And so they locked him in a cage.

Someone found him and gave him the key

And that someone was a little monkey,

For dinner they went to the monkeys house,

And guess what they had. A big fat mouse!

But they decided they weren’t starved,

So they had a turkey, (out of wood it was carved)

Then the monkey went to his friend’s house,

And gave his friend the big fat mouse.

And his friend gave it to the dinosaur,

Who was a thousand feet tall or maybe more.

                If really I wanted to I’m sure I could make the poem better, but it would take A LOT of tweaking. I might even have to deconstruct it all together. I am currently satisfied with the final version, but If I ever get a book of poetry published I either won’t include this poem or it will be even more different.  (As a side note: My brother and I used to sleep in the same room and I would tell him stories or poems I made up on the spot [thanks for the idea Keith]., asking him for a topic This was one such poem and the only one that I remembered well enough to write the next morning.)