Looking for a girflriend?

THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS\

            It’s almost Christmas time and I bet most of us have had times when we were single around Christmas or New Year’s and thought to ourselves, I wish I had a girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. You may have even gone to the library (where the flesh and blood books live), online or maybe even so far as YouTube. Looking for ways to get a significant other. Looking for some way to have a romantic relationship before this year is over. Looking for pickup lines that actually work. Once in a while you might find one that actually is good advice. One that will actually get you new squeeze. People have studied what pickup lines are good and what ones will only get a smile.

These are all well and good but they neglect one vital area of research. The Pick-up lines that do NOT work. The pick-up lines that fail now, failed in the past, and will ALWAYS fail. So from a single white male (SWM) here are:

PICK UP LINES (AND TECHNIQUES) THAT WILL NOT GET YOU A GIRLFRIEND.

1. Walk into a lesbian bar and say almost anything sexual.
2. Walk into any social gathering and cry “I need a girlfriend, please.”
3. “Come on, you know you want me’
4. “I may not be the most attractive man here, but you aren’t the most attractive girl here either.”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

6. (Don’t remember where I heard this one.  Possible copyright infringement) “You may not be the most attractive woman in the world, but I’m the only one talking to you.”
7.“You remind me of my sister/mother/aunt/grandma: (OMG! What were you thinking?)/ or any other female family member
8. You remind me of my brother/dad” . . . You get the idea
9. What happened to you face!?!”

5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)
10. “Did you just fart? Because I was just blown away.” (That one might work with the right girl)
11. Rating her much below a ten on the “hotness meter.’
12. ([Don’t remember where I heard this one.  Possible copyright infringement]. Sure, it might work, but it’s a bad idea.) “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
“13. Date me or I’ll kill your guard/attack dog?”
14. “I’d love to rape you?”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

15. “Do you want to be the next girl I rape?
16. “Come on, you can trust me. I’m not a serial killer . . . yet.”
17. “Hey there, I’m Donald trump.” (It doesn’t work very well for the real Trump.)
18. “Marry me?” (LMAO *plop*)
“19. Date me?”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

20. If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put 4 and 22 together.
21. Getting a girlfriend at family reunion? It’s usually frowned upon.
22. “We need to talk” (LOL)
23. “Do you ALWAYS dress that way?”
24.  “Make a porno with me.”
“5. “I am Groot.” (To be said in a higher voice or after inhaling helium.)

25>Father my children.”
26. How much do you charge?”
27. (For fans of the musical RENT} I want to fuck you Five hundred twenty-five thousand and six hundred different ways.
28. Sorry, I’m taken” (Yes, even if you have your fingers crossed behind your back.)

29. (I actually know a girl who had a man say to her something like) ‘Your eyebrows look like big bushy caterpillars’ (and he was dead serious).

And, of course, say it with me

5. WE are Groot. ;)

a flawed story

                I rarely let any pessimism show online. After all, who wants to read negativity? We have enough of our own problems to deal with why compound them with someone else’s problems? While that may be true I had to get this off my chest.

Alexa/the Echo Dot is not a professional story teller!

            Let me go beyond that and say that she’s not even a good story teller. Now some of you may be laughing, thinking We already knew that she’s a computer and she was MADE to be an assistant and the hope is that she will make out lives easier.  Others of you might be thinking, Wait, my Echo Dot can tell stories?

            Yes “she” can. Just ask her to tell you a story. Lately, Amazon has a thing going on where every day you can ask “her” to open you gift and “she” will give you a small gift. Today her gift was a story. Which brings us to the topic of this post.

Now keep in mind, I’m not claiming to be a professional story teller and I’m well aware that you can always say ‘this is what I would have done. However, if I can see these problems a better story teller would have probably pointed out these flaws as well. The story is titled “Sharing Season”  which gives away the ending but there’s more. The story is about a dog and cat waiting for some food from the Christmas feast to fall on the ground, when a meatball rolls right in between the two of them. I would have mentioned that part of the Christmas feast was spaghetti and meatballs, just to add a bit of tension. The cat pounces on the meatball and snickers “you snooze you lose” I would say the cat hisses “you snooze you lose” or something. Then the dog starts to whimper and bark. The family wonders what’s going on and see the dog, right after the cat rolls the meatball over to the dog to “frame” him? The meatball rolled onto the floor AND it is not bitten into. That is not a very successful framing job. The father says that they should let the dog keep it and the dog snickers at the cat. The cat ignores him but then the dog feels guilty and “growls ‘oh just take it’ ‘Really? ‘meows the cat’. Then the cat says “Wait, I have an idea” and the father says look under the table and the see two of them are sharing it. “’this is nice ‘the dog says. ‘Yes’ the cat purred, ‘but don’t get used to it.’”

I agree it’s a cute story but if you keep the titled in mind you know the dog and cat will end up sharing the meatball. The cat meows and purrs while the dog whimpers and barks. Is this author against dogs does the author even have a dog or a cat? The cat could have hissed instead of snickered as it pounced on the meatball. The dog can pant while speaking. The cat seems to show joy more than the dog. At the end the author could have said, “’This is nice’” the dog says WHILE WAGGING HIS TAIL”

In conclusion I would have change the title, so the ending isn’t so predictable, maybe “the dog or the cat?” or something. I would have mentioned the spaghetti and meatballs dish before a meatball rolls on the floor, just to add a little tension. I would have given the dog and a few more animal-like actions (you never see any real “innocent” happiness from the dog) and, minor point, I was hoping the cat was going to slice the meatball in half with “her” (?) claws  Just some gripes I have and ideas to improve this short story and any future stories others may wish to write. I might forget these tips, but I’m not a professional story teller either.