Looking for a girflriend?

THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS\

            It’s almost Christmas time and I bet most of us have had times when we were single around Christmas or New Year’s and thought to ourselves, I wish I had a girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. You may have even gone to the library (where the flesh and blood books live), online or maybe even so far as YouTube. Looking for ways to get a significant other. Looking for some way to have a romantic relationship before this year is over. Looking for pickup lines that actually work. Once in a while you might find one that actually is good advice. One that will actually get you new squeeze. People have studied what pickup lines are good and what ones will only get a smile.

These are all well and good but they neglect one vital area of research. The Pick-up lines that do NOT work. The pick-up lines that fail now, failed in the past, and will ALWAYS fail. So from a single white male (SWM) here are:

PICK UP LINES (AND TECHNIQUES) THAT WILL NOT GET YOU A GIRLFRIEND.

1. Walk into a lesbian bar and say almost anything sexual.
2. Walk into any social gathering and cry “I need a girlfriend, please.”
3. “Come on, you know you want me’
4. “I may not be the most attractive man here, but you aren’t the most attractive girl here either.”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

6. (Don’t remember where I heard this one.  Possible copyright infringement) “You may not be the most attractive woman in the world, but I’m the only one talking to you.”
7.“You remind me of my sister/mother/aunt/grandma: (OMG! What were you thinking?)/ or any other female family member
8. You remind me of my brother/dad” . . . You get the idea
9. What happened to you face!?!”

5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)
10. “Did you just fart? Because I was just blown away.” (That one might work with the right girl)
11. Rating her much below a ten on the “hotness meter.’
12. ([Don’t remember where I heard this one.  Possible copyright infringement]. Sure, it might work, but it’s a bad idea.) “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
“13. Date me or I’ll kill your guard/attack dog?”
14. “I’d love to rape you?”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

15. “Do you want to be the next girl I rape?
16. “Come on, you can trust me. I’m not a serial killer . . . yet.”
17. “Hey there, I’m Donald trump.” (It doesn’t work very well for the real Trump.)
18. “Marry me?” (LMAO *plop*)
“19. Date me?”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

20. If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put 4 and 22 together.
21. Getting a girlfriend at family reunion? It’s usually frowned upon.
22. “We need to talk” (LOL)
23. “Do you ALWAYS dress that way?”
24.  “Make a porno with me.”
“5. “I am Groot.” (To be said in a higher voice or after inhaling helium.)

25>Father my children.”
26. How much do you charge?”
27. (For fans of the musical RENT} I want to fuck you Five hundred twenty-five thousand and six hundred different ways.
28. Sorry, I’m taken” (Yes, even if you have your fingers crossed behind your back.)

29. (I actually know a girl who had a man say to her something like) ‘Your eyebrows look like big bushy caterpillars’ (and he was dead serious).

And, of course, say it with me

5. WE are Groot. ;)