I'd like to apologize beforehand, if you find this offensive or sacrilegious, tough. Deal with it. *evil grin* But seriously, just try to remember that it's comedic and not meant to offend anyone. If you are Mormon just remember the 8th Article of Faith: We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated
correctly, maybe this is the correct translation. (I am not Mormon, but I have some Mormon background). And now, enjoy the first installment of
THE GOSPEL OF ST. MIKE.
IN THE BEGGINNING,
It was another day in heaven and
God had just finished creating the Earth (if you believe that theory, at
least). As God surveyed his work he
knew that one day Adam would be banished from the Garden of Eden. After all, man is a curious animal by nature.
If you place him in a paradise and tell him he can do anything, but eat from
ONE tree, the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, he’s bound to get bored
sooner or later. He might enjoy his
freedom at first, but after a while he is bound to wonder is this all there is to life? Do I just live in here forever never
dying? What’s the point? After you’ve accomplished all you feel you can
accomplish in an area, don’t you go out looking for bigger and better
things? And don’t you try not to pass up
too many opportunities that might be beneficial to you? After Adam and his domestic partner, Eve,
accomplished everything in the garden except eating from the Forbidden Tree,
it’s natural that they would get curious.
Start wondering what’s so bad about this one tree. Start thinking but this is paradise, what could possibly
go wrong in such a serene place? Maybe
God was mistaken. Maybe he was thinking of a different tree.
God foresaw all of this, so he knew
that after Adam and Eve were banished from the garden sin would follow soon
after. Then he would need to send
someone to earth to redeem man of his numerous sins. If not that, at least someone who could try
to teach us one of the better ways to live, so he started holding
auditions. “Go to Earth! Accomplish
Great things! Die for mankind! Rise again three days later! Be worshipped and
quoted forever! BE A LEGEND IN YOUR OWN TIME! If interested apply within.” read
the advertisement. Well, this sounded like a good deal. Become a legend just by dying? Death isn’t appealing to anyone, but whoever
was chosen would only be dead for three days and then rise again, that couldn’t
be too bad. There were, naturally, a lot
of applicants.
God wasn’t looking forward to
interviewing all of them, but since he was the boss of heaven he had to do
it. The first person to be interviewed
was Bob
“Bob” began God, “why should I
choose you? What sets you apart from everyone else?”
Bob looked down and said “I don’t
really know, I’m just applying for this job on a dare. I don’t seriously want the position. I just didn’t want to be called chicken.”
God let out a frustrated sigh “Ok
Bob, thanks for coming in, I’ll be announcing who was selected in a few
months.”
“Is that the only question?” Bob
asked.
“It’s the only question I need to
ask you” God replied.
God walked Bob out and looked at
the line, the end was too far to see with the naked eye, but God, being
all-powerful saw the end and he let out a sigh, this was going to take a long
time.
“If any of you are here on a dare,”
God began in his booming voice, “or something along the same lines please get
out of line. I only want to see serious
applicants think of this as a free or enforced chicken and get out of line.” Many people got out of line but there were still
more people in line than God could believe. With a weary sigh he said, “next.”
One woman came in because she
thought it was the line to go to Earth under normal circumstances.
“I’ve told you before Katrina,” God
told her patiently, “when the time comes I’ll find you”
There were many applicants, but
more than half of the remaining ones had entered under false pretenses or
misunderstandings. After a while, God decided to interview the people in groups
of three. At least that way it would be
a bit faster.
In walked Fred, George and
Lucifer. Fred and George were pretty
average, you know the type: button-up shirt, freshly ironed pants, a silk tie
and nicely polished shoes. They wanted
to look as good as they could for this interview and then there was
Lucifer. Lucifer was the bad boy that
every mother warns their daughter about.
He was wearing a leather jacket over his t-shirt, jeans, and
sneakers. His hair was slicked back with
a generous amount of gel as he waited in line, his mirror sunglasses making it
hard to guess what he was thinking or if he was even looking at you.
“Fred, George and Lucifer-,” God
began before he was interrupted.
“Please, call me Satan,” Lucifer
said.
Ignoring him God said “George tell
me about what would happen after you died for your sins?”
“Well according to the advertisement
out there I would rise again in three days, but I don’t want no glory, I think
I’d give the glory to Fred” George gestured in Fred’s direction.
“I don’t want no glory either,”
Fred protested, “give the glory to someone else.
Watching them with a bit of amusement
God said, “I’m sorry but neither of you two are what I am looking for. George
you shouldn’t offer the glory to Fred, but Fred if glory is offered you take
it.
What about you,” God looked at
Lucifer saying the next word with a bit of scorn, “Satan? What would happen
after you died for the sins of mankind?”
“Please
call me Beelzebub. Well, I would go and
die for their sins, but after I rose there would never be sins again. I would make sure of it and, unlike these
losers “Lucifer points to Fred and George, “I would gladly accept all the glory
and praise I could get for this gig.”
God
shook his head, “I’m sorry but you are not what I’m looking for either, In fact
for even thinking of taking all the glory I-I don’t ever want to see you again.
Get out of heaven and take those “friends” of yours with you.”
As they walked out Lucifer whispered to the next person in
line, “don’t take the glory for yourself, he doesn’t like that reply.”
The
next person in line was a bright young chap named Jesus. And God called him and
two other people of no note into his office.
“Jesus,”
God said, “Tell about the events after your death.”
“Well,
didn’t the advertisement say I would rise three days later?” Jesus asked.
“Yes it
did,” God replied, “who would you give the glory and fame to?”
Having
been forewarned Jesus asked him “Who do you think it should go to?”
God
smiled, smugly “I should get all the glory, of course, this whole idea was my plan after all.”
“Then,”
Jesus told him “I would direct the glory in your direction, keeping none for
myself”
God
smiled from ear to ear “Finally, someone has got the question right! Jesus you
are the Savior of all of Earth, congratulations”
Jesus
tried to protest that he had wanted to be the Savior of Mars, but God wouldn’t
listen. When Jesus finally went to Earth he was a little disgruntled at having
been sent Earth instead of Mars, so he did take a bit of the glory for himself,
but not enough that God noticed.
Satan,
on the other hand, built his own kingdom and is constantly trying to build it
to be as big as God’s empire. He’s
having a hard time doing it though what with all the slander and false
advertising God throws around. “Eternal fire” “Pain and suffering” or, one of
the most popular, “No healthcare plan.” With such bad publicity few people seem
to have a desire to go to Hell, but one of these days Hell will freeze over and
maybe then people will want to visit, after all, I don’t know if there’s skiing
in heaven.
