THE NECESSITY OF BREAK UPS.
Everyone knows how hard break ups can be, but they are essential if you are to ever find who you are looking for. At least, that’s my opinion. It might sound ridiculous to you but hear me out. If you are going through a recent break up, or have never been through a break up you might not fully appreciate it. But for the rest of you, I think you’ll understand me in the end.
You may or may not find this hard to believe, but I don’t have the greatest track record with dating. Don’t get me wrong I dated a decent amount in high school, I went on a fair amount of first dates, but they didn’t start until my Junior year and that was all they were, first dates. Now I am a guy, so I am partly at fault, unless the date was incredible I never tried for a second date. My second date was actually the first girl (out of three) who I have been on more than one date with. That’s right, I can count on my limbs the number of girls who I’ve gone on a second date with. And some were my fault, ok most were my fault, but there was one girl who told me (as nicely as she could) that one date with me was enough to decide she didn’t want to date me anymore. So my first girlfriend (who I met in my Junior year was awesome. In my eyes she was perfection and could do no wrong. That’s what happens for too many of us, in the early part of dating we put the other person on a pedestal and put expectations on them that they can never hope to live up to. (We do the same thing with real life heroes.) In the end, she dumped me for personal reasons and I saw it coming, I was actually considering whether or not I should end thing with her.
After that break up, my first break up I was understandably mad. I had devoted myself to her, I had only been dating her and then she dumps me because another guy who she’d been dating had proposed to her. Now don’t get me wrong, I knew she was dating another guy, she hadn’t tried to hide it, but I had hoped that we would get past that (and the fact that our religious beliefs were different) and find some way to be together. She had broke the news to me over email. At the time I hated her for not doing it face to face, but in the end I got over my anger and emailed her a polite email thanking her and we were still polite when we saw each other in the future. Which is a good thing because she worked at a store that I went to a fair amount. If she had told me in person, I might have exploded and said some things I’d later regret or broken down and made her feel like a horrible person. So, in this case, email was actually the perfect way to do it.
I won’t bore you with the details of the second person I had more than one date with, but let’s just say that (once again) she broke up with me. She did it in person on our fourth date, so neither of us were highly invested in it and we also parted on good terms.
Fast forward to the third person I have been on more than one date with and I thought she was the one. We were all but married, I’d proposed to her and (for reasons of our own) we had a commitment ceremony and didn’t turn any papers in to the state. I highly recommend doing the same because it makes the divorce a lot less messy considering the fact that the law never knew you were married in the first place. This time I let her know it was over. This time I broke up with her. I wasn’t exactly happy about it, but I knew that, in the end, I was better off without her. With the help of our therapist I convinced her to refrain from any contact with me for eight weeks and she almost did it. She dropped by some cookies (incognito) and she sent my roommate a letter THE DAY BEFORE those eight weeks were up. Now understand, if I had decided that we were better together, that she made my life better, I would have overlooked those two infractions of the rules. However, in the end, I decided that my life was better without her in it. I still had a place in my heart for her and I don’t wish her any ill will (even if I do occasionally say things to the contrary) but I couldn’t be involved with her any longer.
Now you might be saying thanks for boring me to tears with your life story, but I still don’t agree that break-ups are a necessary part of life that’s because I haven’t gotten to that part yet. In my first relationship I was just happy to be in love. I was in love with the idea of being in love. She is and was an awesome person, don’t get me wrong, but if I had taken a step back and really examined things I would have realized that our relationship wouldn’t end with “happily ever after,” But when she broke up with me I exploded inside and almost sent her an angry reply, until I had a talk with a person who had experienced break up before and I realized that I would rather be her friend instead of losing her forever. In my second relationship, I was just glad to be dating again, happy to have someone of the opposite sex to hang out with, but we only dated once a month for it didn’t hold a lot of promise and I still wouldn’t have broken up with her if it had been my choice. I was starting to believe that there was something wrong with ME and that I would be happy to have any girl. Then in walks Miss Wrong disguised as Miss Right. I don’t regret my relationship with her, if I regret anything it’s that it lasted as long as it did. I didn’t truly appreciate that line until just barely. It only lasted for about eight months before we did our trial separation, but there were warning bells that I should have noticed, but instead I ignored them. She was my first in more ways than one and she was willing to offer “pleasure” every night, if I felt up to it. Such a woman can make you ignore even the worst things about her. In addition to that, we were always on the go I didn’t really have time for reflective thinking or I might have realized there was something wrong sooner.
But where is my point, right? After breaking up with Emily I realized all the things that were wrong with her, all the things I had ignored. I had known beforehand what I wanted in a woman, but I hadn’t realized what I didn’t want. Because of this far too many women had met my qualifications, almost any woman met my qualifications with only a few women being ruled out. I ruled out some women and back then I couldn’t have told you why, I can now. If someone breaks up with you, you can say, they don’t know what they’re missing out on. And you can blame it all on them.
Some people ever says “It’s not you, it’s me.” But if you break up with someone you can’t say “They don’t know what they’re missing” or anything like that. They might be totally aware of what they are missing out on, but YOU broke up with THEM. When I broke up with Emily I realized why it was necessary to cut her loose and my dating pool drew smaller. Before her I had known what I wanted, but I hadn’t realized what would make or break a relationship for me. Overall, it was an experience I needed to have and learn from.
When you break up with someone you have to take a step back and think why did I break up with this person? What should I look for in my next relationship? What should I avoid so I don’t make the same mistake I made this time? Now I’m not saying that I have all the answers, I’m also not saying that I have solved life, hell, I’m not even sure I know ALL the things I don’t want in a woman. My next long term girlfriend might make Emily look like a walk in the park, God forbid. All I’m saying is that, for me, breaking up with a woman was necessary and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Sure it’s painful and I miss having a warm body to sleep next to. I miss having a woman who can make me feel things I can’t experience alone. But I learned and have more dimension to myself because of it. Dating Emily built character and having more character is not something to complain about. That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and now I am stronger and understand more about life than I ever have. Life is experience, it’s not all bad it’s not all good, but you can benefit from everything if you just cast it in the right light. And that’s my two bits. Thanks for bearing with me and reading to the end. I know it took a while to get here but I think it was worth the wait and I hope you agree.
Your friend,
Mike.
