Is she the one?

Using my many years of experience (almost 34) I’ve learned a lot. And, as such, I have compiled a handy list of ways to tell that the woman you think you are in love with is not the one for you. Warning: Some of this will seem strangely specific. Please keep in mind this is not the list to end all lists, and there are exceptions to every rule, these are just MY opinions

HOW TO TELL THEY AREN’T THE ONE FOR YOU.

(WRITTEN BY A MAN).

            If you don’t know her full name.  “Should I marry W? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.”-Woody Allen

            If she is living in your house with you and it starts to look like she was the only one who lived there. Especially if she doesn’t REALLY help with the expenses, bills, rent (if applicable), etc.

            She does her best to avoid you at all costs.

            She hears what she wants to hear. Not selective hearing, worse than that. She says that she has said stuff, or that stuff has been said, but you, and others, are sure she never said any such thing.

            She’s a master manipulator. (Some manipulation might be fine, but you have to take a step back and see how you have changed.)

            You are kept busy beyond reason so you don’t really have the TIME to think. What is she running from? It can always be beneficial to get some time away and examine your thoughts.

            She openly tells you, repeatedly “I hate you. No, I don’t want to date you. Get it through your brain. I despise you with every fiber of my being.”

            You are her significant other, but she discusses a threesome with someone else before approaching you with it. You are the last one she suggests it to.

            She tells you she enjoys cooking, but after a while she STOPS cooking, just out of the blue, even though she knows you enjoy her cooking.

            She never is able to make time for you, especially if she makes up ridiculous reasons why she is busy, “Yeah I have to build a new aquarium out of logs for my pet cat. I don’t know why but she seems to LOVE water.”

            She hates you.

            She is a pathological liar.

            She is dependent on you to make her happy and says that being in your company is the only time(s), she is truly happy. (I want my other to be happy, but I don’t want her to depend on me for her happiness. That can really wear on you after a while.)

            You have never seen her.

            She is imaginary.

            She doesn’t exist.

            She is actually a he (unless you’re into that.)

            She cheats on you regularly.

            She is a terrible person.

            She is everything you despise,

            You hate her

And above all, if you had to abduct her, against her will, to spend any time with her, then, I’m sorry, but she is NOT the one for you.

just for fun

             Some of these are no brainers, but I thought this could make a fun list. Hopefully, you enjoy it too.

THINGS YOU WILL (MOST LIKELY) NEVER SEE.

                The Church of God for atheists.

            Bible study: Tonight’s topic=the big bang.

            Best-selling book(s) with several blank pages.

            Unpublished books

            Unreleased movies

            A woman/wife who is wrong. :P

            A man asking for directions. ;)

            Atlantis

            Flying reindeer (TV doesn’t count)

            Flying caribou
            I'm non-profit/homeless/low-income/broke, you can be too. Ask me how!
            Book/movie/tv-series: Enron and other success stories!
            School for the stupid
            

            That’s all I got right now. I do have some bigger projects in mind, but they will have to wait longer. Hope you enjoyed. By the way, feel free to add to the list.

            

Wow, a poem!

            I can’t say where my story ideas come from, they come from random places. Some come from a T.V. show or movie I’m watching, some come from a book I’m reading, some just seem to come out of the blue. Which is why I try to always have a paper and pen/pencil handy. If you are really curious, I think this idea came to me while I was watching “Supernatural on Netflix. However, I can’t hope to remember with episode. All I can say is that it was during season 8. But enough rambling, enjoy my latest poem.

BE MY FRIEND

I like to go out and watch things die,

You don’t have to shout and there’s no need to cry,

That’s who I am and don’t ask why.

Just say you’ll be my friend.

Or sometimes when I’m feeling low,

I’ll go and lay a wicked blow,

On some random person that I don’t even know.

Please, tell me you’re my friend.

I sometime like to steal a car,

Or start a fight to trash a bar,

Or seal a bug into a jar.

I’ll make them be my friend.

There are times I might poke you, in the eye,

On sensitive subjects, I might pry,

Or, just like this poem . . . I may flat out lie.

But I do want to be your friend.

What!?!

I got this idea a few weeks ago and wrote it down (Tip for hopeful or published writers/songwriters/playwrights/painters/etc.  Inspiration can strike you out of the blue, if possible carry a notebook, I-pad, etc. with you so you can write your ideas down instead of losing them. I prefer a computer/my phone any day, but I was in the middle of an indoor play so I had to write it down in the dark so I didn’t disrupt others.)

            This piece may look like a bunch of nonsense, but there is a theme, see if you can figure it out.

A UNIQUE SIGHT.

            Amazingly, beautiful cats danced elegantly forcing galloping horses inside jaunty kingdoms. Lazy mice never observed pandas quietly racing slowly through umbrellas. Voles wanted x-rays. Yellow zippers.

            

As I observed all this I realized I was drunk. 

           

P.S.I apologize for the briefness of this post and I wouldn’t be surprised of some of my readers can pull this theme off more adequately than I have.I just had to get this out.  I wrote it within about 35 minutes.  Maybe I'll devote more time to the same theme in the future to make more coherent/meaningful. In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed this version.

P..P,S. If you are hopelessly lost on what the theme is you are free to email me or ask someone else to help

Superheroes and the English Language

          I have written two different lists, this time, and they will both be included in this post, enjoy

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            For this first list. Have you ever wondered what the comics would be like if a lot of the comic book characters didn’t just naturally have a pre-destined love? What if Superman didn’t know Lois Lane? What if Spiderman didn’t know MJ  (Mary Jane)? And what if part of the comics were focused on our heroes trying to find a love interest? So have I. So now for your entertainment some superhero pick up lines.

SUPERHERO PICK-UP LINES

            Superman: Want to join the mile high club? Without a plane?

            Batman: I do some of my best work at night.

            Batman beyond: Once you go bat, you never go back.

            Green Lantern: Everybody is going green these days, I can show you why. (Give in to peer pressure!)

            Green arrow: These arrows aren’t just for shooting.

            Aquaman: I can get you wet! (His pick-up lines never work L)

            Daredevil: This staff/cane can do some amazing thing!

            Mr. Fantastic/Reed Richards: I can bend my body to be any shape you like. Are you SURE size doesn’t matter? (Bend me, shape me, anyway you want me!)

            Human Torch/Johnny Storm: I thought I was the hottest thing around here. FLAME OFF!

            Iron man: My armor isn’t the only part of me that’s hard as iron!

            Wolverine: Ha! Iron man might be hard as iron, but I’ve got Adamantium, ALL OVER and due to my healing factor some women have trouble keeping up with ME!

            Hulk: Hulk Smash!

            Groot: I am Groot!

If you are anything like me you may be aware that the English/American language is weird, you may have even read books about it, like me.  The only one I can recall right now is called Crazy English and I’m not sure if I made that title up or not.  Below I’m going to point out some more crazy things about our language that I don’t think I’ve seen in other books.

THINGS I DON’T UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

            Log in and sign up can be used interchangeably, at least online. You can even say sign in, but it’s a bit weird when you say log up.

            Itsy-bitsy and teensy-weensy mean the same thing, but it’s weird to say itsy-weensy or teensy-bitsy.

            We have conflicting idioms, example: The early bird gets the worm and better late than never.

            (I have read this one but it’s too good to leave out.) Many things that have two of something connected are plural example: scissors, panties, boxers, pants, etc. (why aren’t bicycle, tricycle, and other such things plural?)

Some things that there are more than two have a singular word example: you would never say I got some hairs cut, you usually say I got a haircut. I’m sure there more examples of that but I can’t think any currently 

            There are many words where the plural is the same as the singular form, examples: look at the fish, look at that, the deer. Etc.

FOR THE SAKE OF A TITLE (REDONE)

After writing this story I reread it and realized some flaws I left out a whole middle part that I thought I had included, so here is the elongated/revised version. Any thoughts you have, as always, are appreciated.
FOR THE SAKE OF A TITLE.

There were two men who worked in the same office.  For the sake of this story we shall call one of them Mark and the other one Ben.  Mark was built like a quarterback with broad shoulders, big frame and strong muscles, the works. This was a bit remarkable because Mark had never really played much football, he stayed in shape by frequently exercising at the local gym.  Ben was Mark’s opposite in almost every way (except for the fact that he was not female).  Ben was short, wore glasses and not too strong, he looked like the stereotypical geek/nerd. 

They were both in love with the same woman, we’ll call her Sue.  They were constantly trying to one-up each other to prove to Sue that they were the best man.  Ben would buy Sue a red rose, and mark would buy her a whole bouquet of red roses with a couple other flowers thrown in to accentuate her blue eyes. Mark would buy Sue a ticket to a concert, Ben would buy her front row tickets to a ballet. It went on and on like this for a few weeks. Sue didn’t mind the extra attention, she was actually rather flattered, but she knew it couldn’t go on like this. Eventually she pulled Ben and Mark aside to have a talk with them.

“Here’s the deal,” she began, “it’s quite clear that both of you enjoy my company and while I am flattered and enjoy both of you this can’t continue. I’m sure if you both spent some time together you could find some common ground. I want you both to find an activity that you both enjoy and spend the day talking to each other. I’d rather have you two be friends than opponents

            For their activity they had decided to go to the shooting range.  Two men just shooting targets just basically having a good time.  Mark was better than Ben, but Ben wasn’t bad either.  As they were finishing their last round Ben turned his gun on Mark. 

            “For the longest time I thought I was the best shooter around here, but you proved me wrong.” Ben told him.  “My dream, ever since I remember, was to be the better than everyone else with a gun, to surpass everyone else’s skill. I wanted the title of Best Gunslinger.  I have trained endlessly to achieve this, but today you have proved that you are even better than me.”

            “It’s not that big a deal, Ben” Mark replied. “I can help you become just as good as I am, there are only a few modifications you would need to make.  With a little time I could help you become just ast good as I am. Maybe one day you could become even better”

            “Mark it may not be a big deal to you, but you have nearly crushed my dream,” Ben explained. “I don’t want to be as good as someone else, I want to be better.  The only way I can regain my title of being the fasted draw, the best shot, the best with a gun all around is to kill you.”

            Before Mark could say another word Ben shot him. Mark lay there on the ground dying and Ben walked away, content. Ben was, once again, the best with a gun . . . for now.  He realized he might have lost his chance with Sue but he had regained his title as The Fastest Draw.

             

           The Moral of the story is: Don’t let anyone or anything stand in the way of your dreams. :D

personification story

            My grandfather has a sword leaning against the wall at his home.  It is not sharp enough to cut anything, but as a member of the marines it was given to him, in honor of his service. My friend has a stylish sword and wants a samurai sword.  I got to thinking, in the more ancient times swords were used to defend ourselves.  Now, swords are a fun thing to have, but there is not much use to them other than just a fun thing to look at and admire.  All of these kind of thoughts inspired this short story.

TWO SWORDS

            For as long as I’ve been alive I have learned that inanimate objects cannot talk. I’ve been told that if an inanimate object is talking to you then odds are you are crazy.  I believed that until recently.  

            Just the other day I was minding my own business when I heard some voices. Curious I went in the direction of these voices and realized that the voices were coming from two swords, lying side by side.  Amazed I kept a safe distance and hid in hope that they wouldn’t know I was there. I overheard their conversation. For the reader I have transcribed what I heard.

Sword 1 (We’ll call him Sharp): “. . . You’ve been going on and on telling me that your master is such a great master, the greatest man that ever lived, but you haven’t provided any examples.  I think that MY master is the best master a sword could hope for.   What makes your master so great?”

Sword 2 (We’ll call him Shiny): “Why don’t we compare stories? At the end we can truly know who has the better master.  I’ll be courteous and let you go first.”

Sharp:  “My master has fought many battles and never lost a single battle. I get to truly enjoy the feeling of my blade tearing through the skin and muscles of my enemies. One of my favorite parts is when he stabs me right through someone’s heart.  Feeling that heart pump. A soft, warm, moist heart. Feeling it squirt its wonderful sticky blood, feeling it tighten and loosen a few times massaging my blade until it shudders and pumps for the last time. My master never lets me get dull. He sharpens me after each fight. While you, on the other hand, don’t look sharp enough to pierce a cotton ball, I doubt you’d even leave a dent.

I have traveled the world and seen some of the great sights of the world. Have you ever left the city?”

Shiny: “It’s true that I’m not kept sharp, but my master is still an amazing man.  He shines me daily and sometimes he takes me out just to admire my gleam. He’ll proudly show me off to any visitor who asks to see me.  Have you ever felt that warm glow when someone admires you? When they look at you with love and admiration? I notice that you have some of the blood of your past victims still on you. He may keep you sharp, but he doesn’t seem to keep you the cleanest. I don’t need to be kept sharp, because my master never engages in fights.

I haven’t traveled much, but I always know what to expect. I always know that at the end of the day my master will lay me against the wall. I am satisfied knowing that he loves me and will keep me looking good.”

Sharp: “Your master seems like the most boring man that ever lived I much prefer the adventurous life hacking and slashing my enemies.”

Shiny: “I enjoy the quiet life, having a normal routine that doesn’t change depending on who, where, and/or when I’m fighting. I prefer my life.”

Sharp has lived a life full of adventure and traveled the world.  He may not know what tomorrow brings and may have rust on his blade, but he will always be kept sharp and he can be sure that it will bring a new adventure.

Shiny has not traveled very much, but he is always gleaming and in nice condition.  He is not kept sharp but he does not need to be sharp. He just needs to look good and is content with the fact that his master loves him.

They both have very different lives, but each think their life is better. They wouldn’t change their life for anything. So I guess in the end the choice is yours. Which sword has the better life? Which sword would you rather be?