Parental Advisory!

This is a fun little "radio" ad that I wrote.  It does not represent my actual desire(s). I just tried to be as funny/outrageous as I could be while inventing a sex toy ;). (I wrote this in 2012)

A NEW CLASS OF SEX TOYS.

                (Audio only)

                [Our scene opens with the sounds of a woman’s voice pleasuring herself, after she finishes. . . ]

                Voice of a teletubby: Again, again!/Yay!/Uh-oh!

                Announcer: How often have you gotten bored with a personal pleasure toy?  Those of you with enough money may have even bought a life size doll.  However, these can only be satisfying for so long.  We always long for more.  You may start watching Adult videos while pleasuring yourself, you might buy a better doll that caters to your particular fetish, or you may really need something different and begin to consider pushing your comfort zones.  But wait, we have a better solution!, that’s right!  We here at Wockerjab have come up with a new product that’s sure to please everyone. From the same company that brought you the Mr. Snuffleupagus dildo and Barney, the purple dinosaur, bangs Baby Bop: Let’s learn about sex.  If you are like us you have often wished that you could keep your attention on your life-size doll while also watching an adult video.  Now you can! That’s right we heard your pleas and after much careful thought your prayers have been answered!

                We at Wockyjab are proad to announce the first ever teletubbie pleasure doll.  You just put the dvd in their rear (or their mouth if it’s a video) and watch any adult video of your choice. Plus, because teletubbies aren’t really human they have more holes than your average doll.  Your dreams of having a teletubbie pleasure doll have been answered.  Like you, many of us have dreamed of having a teletubbie doll to have some adult fun with.  Now I know what you are saying, “but WockerJab, I’m a female I wouldn’t enjoy such a doll.” In anticipation of this we have developed an all new Teletubbie who has different sized bulges all over him, we call him DickyWang. 

                And that’s not all if you’re gay we have TInkyWinky the original gay pride teletubbie.  These things are selling like hotcakes so call now! (stage whisper) Have the phones started ringing yet?

inspired by The Sessions.

A few months ago I saw a movie called "The Sessions" and while the summary may sound a bit risque I highly recommend it to any of my mature readers (by that I mean 17 or older).  In that movie the main character falls in love with the leading actress and he composes a love poem to her.  While trying to pick his words you hear him say "tell me . . . let me . . . show me. . ." that is where I go the inspiration for this, my newest poem, enjoy.

TELL ME, LET ME, SHOW ME

Tell me that you love me,

Tell me every day,

Let me love you also,

In my own special way,

Show me that you love me,

In what you do and say.

Tell me that you hate me,

Hate me with all your might

Let me hate you also,

I’ll say it with great delight,

Show me that you hate me,

But don’t do it out of spite.

Tell me that you like me,

Say you’ll be my friend,

Let me like you also,

Let our friendship never end,

Show you me that you like me,

When there’s a hand that you can lend.

You can treat me any way you like,

And think of me what you will,

Understand I might respond in kind,

I’m just trying to keep things real,

I’m usually pretty laid back,

But even I can get my fill.

something different

I usually try to keep my private life out of this blog but sometimes you need to let people into your world, let them know more of who you are.  I prefer the world of fiction, overall, but there is always some point in our life when we might be driven to read some non-fiction for a change.
This post, while not revealing a lot, relates to something that happened to me just this year.  Back in February the woman I was engaged to and I took a trial separation for eight weeks (which I'm told is the average). After that time I realized that my life was much better without her.  There are a multitude of reason why we split-up but let me just say, to put it simply, she was manipulatative, uncompromising, she started bringing over more and more of her possessions (she's a hoarder) making our small place (a two-bedroom apartment that I share with my brother) cluttered and more crowded despite the protesting that came from various people.  I could go on, but I think you get the basic idea, she was toxic. After I broke-up with her I struggled for a while, but my life is better without her in it. I learned a lot about myself from that relationship and wrote a short essay. I started this essay on April 21st then had two proof-readers (my older brother's girlfriend and my mother). And now, without further ado sit back and enjoy. . . .

WOMEN: CAN’T LIVE WITH THEM, IS THERE LIFE WITHOUT THEM?

Is there life without women? Well, that depends on a number of factors. First, how analytical do you want to be?  If you want to be super analytical then the answer is no, without women the human race would soon die out, as women would stop giving birth. Women would probably be able to survive more easily without men, but men are still needed for their sperm. 

            The next factor you need to consider is whether you are a man or a woman.  If you are a woman you simply CANNOT live without women.  You may be able to live without all women except you, but that’s a lot of responsibility to put on yourself.  Having to bear every man’s child is not easy, eventually your tubes might need to be tied and then where would we be?  It kind of makes you wonder what Adam and Eve first did.  If we believe that they were the only humans created by God and there was a lot of inbreeding in the early days, no wonder so many of us are fucked up. 

            However, I think the readers of this paper understand that I’m not thinking of the above question in the analytical form, but rather theoretically or metaphorically.  Can a man get by without a woman in his life?  The simple answer is yes. After the man has grown into an adult it is even easier.  It’s nice to have a mother and a father, if you’re parents are homosexual it is fine to have two parents of the same sex, but I would think it is also nice to be able to look at the world from both the male and female point of view and if you have both a male and female in your home it is easier than if you have to seek out a member of the other sex elsewhere.  If you are a woman and have two fathers, you would want to know another woman to compare yourself to, and if you are a man with two mothers . . . same deal. Understand that this essay is very biased, because I am a man who has been raised by a male and female set of parents.  I have no experience with being raised by two parents of the same sex.  It is also seen from the point of view of a straight man.  I am not homosexual or bi-curious.  If I were gay I would imagine that it would be EXTREMELY easy to get by without a woman.  If you are straight, you can still get by without women in your life, but it is a bit harder.  I take that back, it is never easy to get by without women, but it is sometimes more difficult for straight men who do not have a girlfriend/fiancé/wife. who belongs to the other gender.  Most men have a mother, a grandmother and/or an aunt who they feel particularly close to. If they don’t, I would wager that they have at least one person who they consider to be a mother figure.  I understand that I might still be acting too analytical, but it’s part of who I am.  So I guess in the end, the answer is actually no.  There will always be women in our lives, women we revere, women we admire, women we hate, and women we might wish we were dating or married to.  However, a wife or girlfriend is not essential to happiness. Happiness is not a state of all your affairs being in order, it is a choice.  True, it’s not always an easy state to reach, but it is possible.  Once you learn to be happy with who you are and where you currently are in life, people usually recognize that and are drawn to you.  Things will start to fall into place.  If you go out trying to make things happen, your desires might be met, but you have to be cautious because sometimes you give up too much to reach those wants and needs. Just put your trust in a higher power and carry on with your life.  Eventually there should be a light at the end of the tunnel and a revelation where you say to yourself “Aha! So that’s why I had to wait so long for X to happen,” or “I now understand why I had to achieve Y before X would be met.”  I grant you that things don’t ALWAYS make sense, but in the end I think you’ll find that there is a logic to most of your life.  I recently got out of a bad relationship, but that relationship has helped me clarify what I want and DON’T want in my next girlfriend.  Before I only had a list of what I did want and because of that nearly every girl met my needs and desires . . . in my mind.  Now that I also know what I don’t want I can see why I did not get to date some of the girls that I wanted to date. Ultimately I would have been dissatisfied, used, or led into a bad relationship without even realizing it.

a bit of fun

DESCRIBING A GOOD DAY.

            I’ve decided that for this post I’m going to do a fictional account of one of the best days of my life, but I’ve often heard that it’s better to show than tell, so for awhile this post will just be words from one side of the “conversation” (internal and external monologue). See if you can guess what experience I’m describing and why it was one of my favorite days.

            “What’s that baby? Do you actually have to ask, I would love that. Let me just get undressed and ready for you.  Oh honey you are so beautiful.  Are you ready? Because I am certainly ready to start. Mmmm that feels so amazing. You are so good at this, have you practiced?   Oh yes! Right there. No wait, let me move a little lower. Harder?  Certainly. Oh yeah, that’s the spot. What’s that? Wherever I want and however I want?  You are so incredible.  Oh my. . . Oooh, Oh yeah you certainly know what you’re doing. What did I ever do to deserve this and someone like you? I love when you do that, rubbing right there. OOOoooh! Come again? Turn over? Ok. Oh, this is incredible.  Yes, I’m enjoying it very much. Are you OK, because I’d love to keep going if we can.  Ohhhh sweetheart, You have no idea how good this feels! I don’t know how some people get by without this in their lives. It just feels so good and it’s even better if you do it with someone you love. Someone who knows you in and out.  Feeling their soft, caring hands all over your body.  Let me give you a kiss, my love.  That was just unbelievable let me just lay here for a bit, I’ll pay you back tonight.”

            Did you understand what the experience was?  That’s right, it was my significant other giving me an amazingly relaxing massage all over my entire body, front and back.  If this were real we would have had sex that night as well!  And, if she asked for it, I would gladly try to give her an equally amazing massage. It’s only a fantasy though; none of my exes have ever given me a massage.  I can always see a masseuse, but the great thing about a girlfriend/fiancé/wife is that they don’t charge you money afterwards.  You can pay them back in other ways.  It all depends on what they like.   It all depends on how you show your love for them and how they receive love from you.

A ghost story?

            I’ve had this story idea for a while, but hadn’t written it down yet. It is told from Alex’s point-of-view, one of my favorite characters. I hope you all enjoy this as much as I enjoy writing these stories. (As always, constructive criticism is appreciated!)

MY HOUSE IS HAUNTED.

            I had just moved into a new home.  My first time living on my own and I was excited and scared at the same time.  The what ifs all kept flying through my mind.  You know what I’m talking about. What if I forgot something? What if the house burns down?  What if my friends don’t want to visit me because they don’t like this house as much as the old one?  What if the house transforms into the Sarlaac pit and slowly digests me over the next thousand plus years?  What if? What if? What if?

I shared my fears with some of my closest friends and, after a lot of reassurances and comforting words, I finally felt secure enough to at least try three days in this new house.  The first night in the house went quite well.  I didn’t need anyone to check under the bed for monsters and I slept like a log. Understand that I didn’t really sleep like a log. I was indoors, I wasn’t in a fireplace, and I was an animate object the whole night, at least as far as I could tell. When I say I slept like a log I mean that I slept the whole night and woke up feeling quite rested.  After living there for three days I was satisfied and decided that maybe living alone wasn’t so bad.  After a few calls I got satellite, internet and a few other things installed that would be helpful in the long run.  That was when the trouble started. (Who didn’t see that coming? Often enough, when life seems perfect, you get thrown a curveball. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?)

            The first time I heard it I was in on the couch just minding my own business as I watched my favorite cartoon.  Then, out of nowhere, I heard it, a high pitched noise that lasted for about 2 seconds and then stopped.  I figured that was it, but then it happened again.  It went on this way for a while, I had to use two throw pillows, one to either side of my head, to drown it out.  When it finally stopped for more than a minute or two I was relieved I figured that was the end of it. I was wrong.  I started hearing this noise day or night with no rhyme or reason.  I was convinced I had a rare kind of ghost in my house.  I ghost who has a very high voice and loved to roll its Rs or something.  Possibly the ghost thought it was singing, but this “song” was very annoying and only had two quick alternating tones.

 Finally, one day I found out where the noise was coming from a white device in my kitchen.  I noticed if I took it apart the ghost would stop singing.  However, if I listened carefully I could hear a new voice emanating from the device.  And if left alone too long a ghost with a deeper voice would sing its own song for a little while.  The weirdest part of all, I never heard them singing at the same time.  They both seemed to enjoy singing, just not together.  On the third day of this I decided enough was enough and I took out my cell phone to call Max, my closest friend. 

“Hello?” he asked, as he always does when answering his cell.  I don’t know why, my name should have shown clearly on his screen.

“Max, it’s Alex, “I told him, “and I need your help. My house is haunted.”

“Alex, do you know what time it is?”

“Hold on, let me check,” I walked over to my clock, “It’s 2:37 am” I replied.

“Alex why are you calling me in the middle of the night”

“It’s not the middle of the night, it’s very early morning”

Max let out a groan and muttered, “Do you always have to be so infuriatingly literal” Then in his normal voice he asked “Can this wait until normal people are awake, please?”

“I guess” I said with a sigh, “what time would that be?”

“I’ll call you” he said simply.

Later that day, instead of calling, Max just came over, “Ok Alex why do you say your house is haunted?” He asked after walking in.

            “There’s an object in the kitchen and it makes strange noises” I explained.

            “Show me this object,” he said, “I might know how to fix this ‘ghost’ problem” making air quotes when he said ghost.

            I took him to the kitchen and slowly walked over to the white object that had been torturing me day and night. Max looked at it and he started laughing like it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen.

            “That’s . . . your possessed . . . item?” he asked in between laughs.

            I explained everything it had been doing as a result of its possession.

            “Alex, that is a phone. Before cell phones there where things known as 'home phones', when that high voice is ‘singing’ that’s the phone ringing. That low voiced ghost is letting you know that you have left the phone off the hook”

            Max patiently, well patiently for him, showed me how to use this phone.  I was relieved to know that my house wasn’t haunted.  Now if I can just figure out why my bathroom mirror keeps fogging up whenever I take a shower . . .