A new year a new poem

             I can’t really say much about this poem, at least beforehand. It just kind of came to me the other day, unfinished, but I’m still trying to figure out what it means.

 

OBSCURE POEM (but is it really?)

Burning,               Yearning,            Turning,      Moping,                Hoping,                Coping,    Conspire,              Desire,                  Retire.

 

          This poem may LOOK like just nine words put together in a box, but there is more to this poem. Try to think outside the box or read it a different way. Yes, I am being obscure on purpose. Some people will figure out the secret of this poem on the first reading, it may take others a little bit longer. If you are hopelessly lost ask someone else for help. If they can’t figure it out either feel free to email me

list and tips for hopeful writers

            I don’t know how often you have a question for an author/singer/or some other kind of artist that you need answered ASAP (as soon as possible). I know that it rarely happens to me, but if they are famous enough, they might have a website and if you’re lucky that website will have an FAQ or frequently asked questions. I am not often asked about my work or life, nevertheless, I have decided to compile my own FAQ                                                                                                                                                               

                                                    FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1.     How are you?

2.     What’s up?

3.     What’s your dog’s name?

4.     Pepsi?

5.     What’s your name?

6.     What?

7.     What?

8.     Michael?

9.     What?

10. What’s new?

11. Who?

12. When?

13. Where?

14. Why?

15. How?

Author’s note? I didn’t say FAQ & A I just said FAQ. ( I didn’t even say it, I typed it.)

 

 

Pointless bonus:  When I was in college (just after the Ice Age) I would submit poetry and/or short stories to my college literary magazine. I didn’t get published until one year I submitted a pantoum (a style of poetry). I wrote this pantoum in high school. It got published not because it was an amazing poem, but because it was a style of poetry. The next year I submitted a villanelle (another poetry style). I actually had written the villanelle that year.  Once again it was published in the literary magazine.

You might be thinking ‘this is all interesting, but why are you telling me this?’ my point is simply this: you can be an amazing writer, but someone else could get published just because they used a simple gimmick. If you are in college and you want your “15 minutes of fame” use a poetry style or an unusual simile. I.e. the man shook like a vibrator, not a leaf. The computer hummed like a man who had forgotten the words and tune to a song? The rain fell with a sound like someone who had just dropped a pound of glass? Try to be unusual!

A product of the times

PANDEMICS AREN’T FUNNY(OR ARE THEY?)

Well my friends, Corona Virus/Covid-19 has been going around for a while and no one seems to know for sure when or even IF it will be going away. We are all in isolation (to one degree or another) and some of us are more scared of it than others. 

Virus’ are not usually funny (well sometimes they might be funny AFTER the fact [Y2K, anyone?]), but people are still posting memes and parodies online all USING Covid-19 as their “punchline.” Whether you think the pandemic is real or a big hoax, a biological warfare from China or a just a virus that’s kills indiscriminately (Kind of like George R. R. Martin or Joss Whedon). This isn’t my best work, but I hope some of these make you laugh

JOKES I’VE HAD ABOUT THE PANDEMIC.

Corona Virus, Corona Extra,the definition of Corona: Collect them all.

Some people could compare the Corona virus to the holocaust,/Has hitler been reincarnated as the Corona Virus:? The holocaust, it’s not just for Jews anymore.

When you think about it Corona is just Androc backwards and Covid-18 is just 91-Divoc backwards. What do they mean? I’m not sure, but maybe that’s why it so hard to cure. Think if they had just named it Reeb then we could assume that the cure is Beer. But since it is called the Corona virus you can only assume beer would make it worse.

Mother says: “go outdoors, play with your friends, breathe,in the fresh air, get some sunshine. Going outdoors never hurt anyone”

Corona Virus: “Oh, really? Let’s fix that! >:D>

The Corona virus: It’s not just a fad, it’s a way of life 

I’ve heard Corona is SARS 2. Contrary to popular belief, SARS doesn’t stand for Super, Awesomely, Radical Sickness.

Have you ever realized that Trump and COVID both have five letters each? Coincidence? You decide.

A Corona Virus themed party would basically be party where only those you live with are invited. Otherwise you might get sick from someone in the community and/or spread the virus.

So when Jack told me he wanted a Corona themed birthday party i had to laugh.

Two stories.

The other day on facebook I was talking to a high school friend who I took creative writing with. While talking with him I got some inspiration for the stories below.

A SAD STORY

My mother purses her lips and i know it’s time to fly. She is setting me free to fend for myself. 

I fly for a while. It is amazing, exhilarating. I feel light as air.  I was worried for a while. Worried that might I fail as so many before me have. However, it looks like I might be a lucky one.  

Then it happens. My amazing feeling and optimism weren’t enough. I no longer feel so light. I have only been on my own for a short time and i fall toward the ground and as I hit the ground I lie there. Broken.

A NOSTALGIC STORY.

Jen is blowing bubbles from her bottle of bubble mixture. Spinning around and giggling. Blowing some with the air from her mouth, using the wind from her spins to blow others.

“Jen, time to come in and clean up for dinner,” Her mothers voice calls out.

“Yes mama,” she replies, wishing she could play outside for longer,

Jen blows one more bubble and goes inside to wash her hands and sit down to have dinner.

PLOT TWIST

These are both the same story

Looking for a girflriend?

THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS\

            It’s almost Christmas time and I bet most of us have had times when we were single around Christmas or New Year’s and thought to ourselves, I wish I had a girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. You may have even gone to the library (where the flesh and blood books live), online or maybe even so far as YouTube. Looking for ways to get a significant other. Looking for some way to have a romantic relationship before this year is over. Looking for pickup lines that actually work. Once in a while you might find one that actually is good advice. One that will actually get you new squeeze. People have studied what pickup lines are good and what ones will only get a smile.

These are all well and good but they neglect one vital area of research. The Pick-up lines that do NOT work. The pick-up lines that fail now, failed in the past, and will ALWAYS fail. So from a single white male (SWM) here are:

PICK UP LINES (AND TECHNIQUES) THAT WILL NOT GET YOU A GIRLFRIEND.

1. Walk into a lesbian bar and say almost anything sexual.
2. Walk into any social gathering and cry “I need a girlfriend, please.”
3. “Come on, you know you want me’
4. “I may not be the most attractive man here, but you aren’t the most attractive girl here either.”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

6. (Don’t remember where I heard this one.  Possible copyright infringement) “You may not be the most attractive woman in the world, but I’m the only one talking to you.”
7.“You remind me of my sister/mother/aunt/grandma: (OMG! What were you thinking?)/ or any other female family member
8. You remind me of my brother/dad” . . . You get the idea
9. What happened to you face!?!”

5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)
10. “Did you just fart? Because I was just blown away.” (That one might work with the right girl)
11. Rating her much below a ten on the “hotness meter.’
12. ([Don’t remember where I heard this one.  Possible copyright infringement]. Sure, it might work, but it’s a bad idea.) “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
“13. Date me or I’ll kill your guard/attack dog?”
14. “I’d love to rape you?”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

15. “Do you want to be the next girl I rape?
16. “Come on, you can trust me. I’m not a serial killer . . . yet.”
17. “Hey there, I’m Donald trump.” (It doesn’t work very well for the real Trump.)
18. “Marry me?” (LMAO *plop*)
“19. Date me?”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

20. If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put 4 and 22 together.
21. Getting a girlfriend at family reunion? It’s usually frowned upon.
22. “We need to talk” (LOL)
23. “Do you ALWAYS dress that way?”
24.  “Make a porno with me.”
“5. “I am Groot.” (To be said in a higher voice or after inhaling helium.)

25>Father my children.”
26. How much do you charge?”
27. (For fans of the musical RENT} I want to fuck you Five hundred twenty-five thousand and six hundred different ways.
28. Sorry, I’m taken” (Yes, even if you have your fingers crossed behind your back.)

29. (I actually know a girl who had a man say to her something like) ‘Your eyebrows look like big bushy caterpillars’ (and he was dead serious).

And, of course, say it with me

5. WE are Groot. ;)

a flawed story

                I rarely let any pessimism show online. After all, who wants to read negativity? We have enough of our own problems to deal with why compound them with someone else’s problems? While that may be true I had to get this off my chest.

Alexa/the Echo Dot is not a professional story teller!

            Let me go beyond that and say that she’s not even a good story teller. Now some of you may be laughing, thinking We already knew that she’s a computer and she was MADE to be an assistant and the hope is that she will make out lives easier.  Others of you might be thinking, Wait, my Echo Dot can tell stories?

            Yes “she” can. Just ask her to tell you a story. Lately, Amazon has a thing going on where every day you can ask “her” to open you gift and “she” will give you a small gift. Today her gift was a story. Which brings us to the topic of this post.

Now keep in mind, I’m not claiming to be a professional story teller and I’m well aware that you can always say ‘this is what I would have done. However, if I can see these problems a better story teller would have probably pointed out these flaws as well. The story is titled “Sharing Season”  which gives away the ending but there’s more. The story is about a dog and cat waiting for some food from the Christmas feast to fall on the ground, when a meatball rolls right in between the two of them. I would have mentioned that part of the Christmas feast was spaghetti and meatballs, just to add a bit of tension. The cat pounces on the meatball and snickers “you snooze you lose” I would say the cat hisses “you snooze you lose” or something. Then the dog starts to whimper and bark. The family wonders what’s going on and see the dog, right after the cat rolls the meatball over to the dog to “frame” him? The meatball rolled onto the floor AND it is not bitten into. That is not a very successful framing job. The father says that they should let the dog keep it and the dog snickers at the cat. The cat ignores him but then the dog feels guilty and “growls ‘oh just take it’ ‘Really? ‘meows the cat’. Then the cat says “Wait, I have an idea” and the father says look under the table and the see two of them are sharing it. “’this is nice ‘the dog says. ‘Yes’ the cat purred, ‘but don’t get used to it.’”

I agree it’s a cute story but if you keep the titled in mind you know the dog and cat will end up sharing the meatball. The cat meows and purrs while the dog whimpers and barks. Is this author against dogs does the author even have a dog or a cat? The cat could have hissed instead of snickered as it pounced on the meatball. The dog can pant while speaking. The cat seems to show joy more than the dog. At the end the author could have said, “’This is nice’” the dog says WHILE WAGGING HIS TAIL”

In conclusion I would have change the title, so the ending isn’t so predictable, maybe “the dog or the cat?” or something. I would have mentioned the spaghetti and meatballs dish before a meatball rolls on the floor, just to add a little tension. I would have given the dog and a few more animal-like actions (you never see any real “innocent” happiness from the dog) and, minor point, I was hoping the cat was going to slice the meatball in half with “her” (?) claws  Just some gripes I have and ideas to improve this short story and any future stories others may wish to write. I might forget these tips, but I’m not a professional story teller either.

Do nice guys HAVE to finish last

A fun little side not this is my first poem that goes ABABAB, CDCDCD, EFEFEF. For those of you who don't speak poetry lingo, that means that the end of every single line in each verse/stanza rhymes with every other line in that stanza. You'll get the idea.

BREAKING FREE

I’ve heard that “good things come,

To those who wait.”

Does that mean just have fun

And procrastinate?

Don’t get things done,

Just trust in fate?

I’ve done that for,

A lot of my life

It can be kind of a bore,

I don’t mean to cause strife

I don’t want to wage war,

or stress 'bout a wife

But I’m though with that,

I don’t want to wait

taking off my patience hat,

I can’t just anticipate 

waiting for “my turn at bat”

And wishing for a true mate.

It’s time for me to go outside

And show 'em what I can do,

I’ve got an advocate by my side

Cuz I'M a person too,

You're welcome to join me on this ride

Cuz I'll be seeing you

thoughts about marriage

                I have not posted for a while. I haven’t run out of ideas, I just haven’t felt the need or desire to. Plus I am usually occupied at the time(s) I used to write posts or busy hanging out with my brother   (we are trying an “experiment” called QUALITY TIME [not to be confused with QUANTITY TIME], at my request]). And my desire to write has decreased (but that is neither here or now). “I don’t know why I feel the need to defend myself.”

            As I woke up on July 31^st, 2018, I found myself thinking about marriage, not my marriage, but marriage in general. Is it needed or even desirable? Still, in the current world?  In the following essay that is a question I hope to answer, or at least raise some thoughts about.

WHY DO PEOPLE STILL GET MARRIED?

Is Marriage (Still) Necessary?

          In the older days (I think until a little while after the great depression, but don’t quote me on that) women would get married so they wouldn’t be a penniless, spinster their whole life. No word on why the men married. Maybe it was kindness, lust, or they truly loved the woman. Who knows why men got married in those days? Today, however, it seems that less and less people are seeing the need for marriage, they are fine saying they love the person and want to be with him/her forever, but don’t see the need to make it official. Are they wrong?

            Let me relate to you a personal story. I was dating a woman from June 30^th to November 11^th, 2013. Somewhere in there she got me to agree to let her sleep at my house, because A) most of our dates were at night, in my home watching a movie (that’s not as boring as it sounds)so it was easier to sleep over instead of going home late, B) my apartment was closer to her place of work than her actual home and C) she asked and I saw no reason to say no.  After she slept here a few weekdays (on weekends she would go home to spend the days with her son, he didn’t live far from her “official” place of residence. After she slept at my place for a few nights (months, weeks, I don’t really remember for sure) I invited her to share my bed with me (I did not intend to have sex with her, I was still thinking I might wait until I was married, I was foolish).  Eventually she gave me a hand job and things got more and more serious from there.  It’s important to remember that I was a virgin until this time, I was more than happy to let her change that. What red-blooded heterosexual man would turn down sex with a woman who he felt a connection with.  This woman was the first woman who I had dated, frequently, since 2003 or 2004 (yes, I might be a loser). On top of that she seemed to understand what I said. This was a big deal, because I have a speech disorder and she could understand almost every single word without frequently asking me, “What?”

            Then one night she pointed out we were doing everything married couples do, EXCEPT for getting married. “Nothing will really change afterward.” If my life were a tv show I would freeze everyone around me, look at the camera and say, “that ladies is gentlemen is a classic line and it always ends up being bullshit,” or I might do a fake cough while saying, “Bullshit” or I could say, “That’s what they always say and it is always a pile of bullshit,” or . . . but you get the idea.

            Ask any married couple if things changed after their marriage and, as long as the honeymoon phase is over I bet you they will answer with a resounding yes.  My older brother was smart. He has a girlfriend who he is not married to and as far as anyone knows they don’t plan to formally get married. My sister has been married, divorced and she now she lives with her boyfriend and his two boys.  If you aren’t married you don’t officially belong to each other, you can grab your stuff and leave at any time.  I don’t know if that’s why things change, but my girlfriend and her son (when he wasn’t in school) moved into my apartment with my brother (she indirectly tried to find ways so my brother WOULDN’T live with us, but that is another story) and a two-person apartment is a cramped place for 4 people.        

            Marriage may be a wonderful way for two people to express their love, but is it still necessary. Can’t you just say, “I love you and I want you to be the woman I fuck for the rest of my life, unless this relationship fails”? A marriage is not any more permanent than living together, there are tons of people out there who are divorced, and it’s a lot easier to end a relationship if it was never recognized by the state in the first place (Divorces are a messy business and they can take FOREVER to get finalized).

            I’m not saying that ALL people do what we did, but my ex and I had something called a “Commitment Ceremony” and we were married except the state never knew it. When I realized it wasn’t working I just told her that I needed some time to think (two months is usually customary for a trial separation) and I realized that my life was better without her. No divorce, no mess, I didn’t even have any kind of permanent ownership of her kid. It was just over and done with.

            In the older days marriage was necessary and now it is continued so that we don’t “live in sin,” but I feel that marriage has outstayed it’s welcome. If you are worried about having sex out of wedlock Commitment Ceremonies are almost the same thing.  All this is just some thoughts I was having and I just had to donate my two bits.

            I understand that this is a very sensitive area for some.  You may feel that I am out of my depth and don’t know what I’m talking about, that is possible (I was only married from November 11^th to Feb 25^th), and you are more than welcome to object.   No two people are the same, my thoughts may be a little different from yours or wildly different.  Understand I’m not giving you permission to divorce you significant other or even suggesting you do so. If you are married and that is going well for you keep that going.   But before you get married assess if you are sure that’s what you want.  Then ,if you proceed with the marriage, after you’ve been married for a month/half a year/whatever, take a step back and ask, “has my life truly become better or worse from this marriage?”          

Is he the one?

   A while ago i wrote an article about how to tell if your interest is the one for you. However it was written from the male perspective. While i am still a male, and i don’t plan on changing that, I do know a few things about women.  If you observe both articles you’ll notice that the reasons can relate to either sex, mostly.  Without further ado let me present . . .
HOW TO TELL THEY AREN'T THE ONE FOR YOU (FEMALE EDITION) 
1. If they are male there is a great likelyhood they are not the one for you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hahahahahahaha LOL ROFL LMAO ROLFLMAO ha ha ha plop! (Sorry I just laughed my head off).
2. If you are a lesbian and they are male.
3.  If they are dead.
4. If they are Imaginary. (I don’t care how well you get along with him. In the end it’s not going to lead anywhere. Plus he can’t impregnate you, if you want to get pregnant, no matter how hard you try.)
5. If he is married there’s good odds he’s the wrong one(unless, he’s married to you).
(Those of you who know me are aware that i rarely like to approach things from the more serious side, but there are a few more reasons that are serious. I feel I should mention them.)
6.  If you are in a relationship that needs to be a secret there are good odds that you shouldn’t be in that relationship in the first place.
7. If you are being abused physically, emotionally or psychologically get out of there as fast as you can!
8. This kind of relates to the previous one. if your social life has decreased, you are getting depressed a lot, or there is some other kind of change in your life take a step back and examine your life.  You might even want to talk to others to find out what has caused this.  It might be your significant other, understand that I’m not saying that you should dump them there and then, but you might need therapy or something.
Sorry to get serious for a while, I’ll try to watch that.  Until next time this is Mike-el Wood signing out.

Is she the one?

Using my many years of experience (almost 34) I’ve learned a lot. And, as such, I have compiled a handy list of ways to tell that the woman you think you are in love with is not the one for you. Warning: Some of this will seem strangely specific. Please keep in mind this is not the list to end all lists, and there are exceptions to every rule, these are just MY opinions

HOW TO TELL THEY AREN’T THE ONE FOR YOU.

(WRITTEN BY A MAN).

            If you don’t know her full name.  “Should I marry W? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.”-Woody Allen

            If she is living in your house with you and it starts to look like she was the only one who lived there. Especially if she doesn’t REALLY help with the expenses, bills, rent (if applicable), etc.

            She does her best to avoid you at all costs.

            She hears what she wants to hear. Not selective hearing, worse than that. She says that she has said stuff, or that stuff has been said, but you, and others, are sure she never said any such thing.

            She’s a master manipulator. (Some manipulation might be fine, but you have to take a step back and see how you have changed.)

            You are kept busy beyond reason so you don’t really have the TIME to think. What is she running from? It can always be beneficial to get some time away and examine your thoughts.

            She openly tells you, repeatedly “I hate you. No, I don’t want to date you. Get it through your brain. I despise you with every fiber of my being.”

            You are her significant other, but she discusses a threesome with someone else before approaching you with it. You are the last one she suggests it to.

            She tells you she enjoys cooking, but after a while she STOPS cooking, just out of the blue, even though she knows you enjoy her cooking.

            She never is able to make time for you, especially if she makes up ridiculous reasons why she is busy, “Yeah I have to build a new aquarium out of logs for my pet cat. I don’t know why but she seems to LOVE water.”

            She hates you.

            She is a pathological liar.

            She is dependent on you to make her happy and says that being in your company is the only time(s), she is truly happy. (I want my other to be happy, but I don’t want her to depend on me for her happiness. That can really wear on you after a while.)

            You have never seen her.

            She is imaginary.

            She doesn’t exist.

            She is actually a he (unless you’re into that.)

            She cheats on you regularly.

            She is a terrible person.

            She is everything you despise,

            You hate her

And above all, if you had to abduct her, against her will, to spend any time with her, then, I’m sorry, but she is NOT the one for you.

just for fun

             Some of these are no brainers, but I thought this could make a fun list. Hopefully, you enjoy it too.

THINGS YOU WILL (MOST LIKELY) NEVER SEE.

                The Church of God for atheists.

            Bible study: Tonight’s topic=the big bang.

            Best-selling book(s) with several blank pages.

            Unpublished books

            Unreleased movies

            A woman/wife who is wrong. :P

            A man asking for directions. ;)

            Atlantis

            Flying reindeer (TV doesn’t count)

            Flying caribou
            I'm non-profit/homeless/low-income/broke, you can be too. Ask me how!
            Book/movie/tv-series: Enron and other success stories!
            School for the stupid
            

            That’s all I got right now. I do have some bigger projects in mind, but they will have to wait longer. Hope you enjoyed. By the way, feel free to add to the list.

            

Wow, a poem!

            I can’t say where my story ideas come from, they come from random places. Some come from a T.V. show or movie I’m watching, some come from a book I’m reading, some just seem to come out of the blue. Which is why I try to always have a paper and pen/pencil handy. If you are really curious, I think this idea came to me while I was watching “Supernatural on Netflix. However, I can’t hope to remember with episode. All I can say is that it was during season 8. But enough rambling, enjoy my latest poem.

BE MY FRIEND

I like to go out and watch things die,

You don’t have to shout and there’s no need to cry,

That’s who I am and don’t ask why.

Just say you’ll be my friend.

Or sometimes when I’m feeling low,

I’ll go and lay a wicked blow,

On some random person that I don’t even know.

Please, tell me you’re my friend.

I sometime like to steal a car,

Or start a fight to trash a bar,

Or seal a bug into a jar.

I’ll make them be my friend.

There are times I might poke you, in the eye,

On sensitive subjects, I might pry,

Or, just like this poem . . . I may flat out lie.

But I do want to be your friend.

What!?!

I got this idea a few weeks ago and wrote it down (Tip for hopeful or published writers/songwriters/playwrights/painters/etc.  Inspiration can strike you out of the blue, if possible carry a notebook, I-pad, etc. with you so you can write your ideas down instead of losing them. I prefer a computer/my phone any day, but I was in the middle of an indoor play so I had to write it down in the dark so I didn’t disrupt others.)

            This piece may look like a bunch of nonsense, but there is a theme, see if you can figure it out.

A UNIQUE SIGHT.

            Amazingly, beautiful cats danced elegantly forcing galloping horses inside jaunty kingdoms. Lazy mice never observed pandas quietly racing slowly through umbrellas. Voles wanted x-rays. Yellow zippers.

            

As I observed all this I realized I was drunk. 

           

P.S.I apologize for the briefness of this post and I wouldn’t be surprised of some of my readers can pull this theme off more adequately than I have.I just had to get this out.  I wrote it within about 35 minutes.  Maybe I'll devote more time to the same theme in the future to make more coherent/meaningful. In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed this version.

P..P,S. If you are hopelessly lost on what the theme is you are free to email me or ask someone else to help

Superheroes and the English Language

          I have written two different lists, this time, and they will both be included in this post, enjoy

.

            For this first list. Have you ever wondered what the comics would be like if a lot of the comic book characters didn’t just naturally have a pre-destined love? What if Superman didn’t know Lois Lane? What if Spiderman didn’t know MJ  (Mary Jane)? And what if part of the comics were focused on our heroes trying to find a love interest? So have I. So now for your entertainment some superhero pick up lines.

SUPERHERO PICK-UP LINES

            Superman: Want to join the mile high club? Without a plane?

            Batman: I do some of my best work at night.

            Batman beyond: Once you go bat, you never go back.

            Green Lantern: Everybody is going green these days, I can show you why. (Give in to peer pressure!)

            Green arrow: These arrows aren’t just for shooting.

            Aquaman: I can get you wet! (His pick-up lines never work L)

            Daredevil: This staff/cane can do some amazing thing!

            Mr. Fantastic/Reed Richards: I can bend my body to be any shape you like. Are you SURE size doesn’t matter? (Bend me, shape me, anyway you want me!)

            Human Torch/Johnny Storm: I thought I was the hottest thing around here. FLAME OFF!

            Iron man: My armor isn’t the only part of me that’s hard as iron!

            Wolverine: Ha! Iron man might be hard as iron, but I’ve got Adamantium, ALL OVER and due to my healing factor some women have trouble keeping up with ME!

            Hulk: Hulk Smash!

            Groot: I am Groot!

If you are anything like me you may be aware that the English/American language is weird, you may have even read books about it, like me.  The only one I can recall right now is called Crazy English and I’m not sure if I made that title up or not.  Below I’m going to point out some more crazy things about our language that I don’t think I’ve seen in other books.

THINGS I DON’T UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

            Log in and sign up can be used interchangeably, at least online. You can even say sign in, but it’s a bit weird when you say log up.

            Itsy-bitsy and teensy-weensy mean the same thing, but it’s weird to say itsy-weensy or teensy-bitsy.

            We have conflicting idioms, example: The early bird gets the worm and better late than never.

            (I have read this one but it’s too good to leave out.) Many things that have two of something connected are plural example: scissors, panties, boxers, pants, etc. (why aren’t bicycle, tricycle, and other such things plural?)

Some things that there are more than two have a singular word example: you would never say I got some hairs cut, you usually say I got a haircut. I’m sure there more examples of that but I can’t think any currently 

            There are many words where the plural is the same as the singular form, examples: look at the fish, look at that, the deer. Etc.

FOR THE SAKE OF A TITLE (REDONE)

After writing this story I reread it and realized some flaws I left out a whole middle part that I thought I had included, so here is the elongated/revised version. Any thoughts you have, as always, are appreciated.
FOR THE SAKE OF A TITLE.

There were two men who worked in the same office.  For the sake of this story we shall call one of them Mark and the other one Ben.  Mark was built like a quarterback with broad shoulders, big frame and strong muscles, the works. This was a bit remarkable because Mark had never really played much football, he stayed in shape by frequently exercising at the local gym.  Ben was Mark’s opposite in almost every way (except for the fact that he was not female).  Ben was short, wore glasses and not too strong, he looked like the stereotypical geek/nerd. 

They were both in love with the same woman, we’ll call her Sue.  They were constantly trying to one-up each other to prove to Sue that they were the best man.  Ben would buy Sue a red rose, and mark would buy her a whole bouquet of red roses with a couple other flowers thrown in to accentuate her blue eyes. Mark would buy Sue a ticket to a concert, Ben would buy her front row tickets to a ballet. It went on and on like this for a few weeks. Sue didn’t mind the extra attention, she was actually rather flattered, but she knew it couldn’t go on like this. Eventually she pulled Ben and Mark aside to have a talk with them.

“Here’s the deal,” she began, “it’s quite clear that both of you enjoy my company and while I am flattered and enjoy both of you this can’t continue. I’m sure if you both spent some time together you could find some common ground. I want you both to find an activity that you both enjoy and spend the day talking to each other. I’d rather have you two be friends than opponents

            For their activity they had decided to go to the shooting range.  Two men just shooting targets just basically having a good time.  Mark was better than Ben, but Ben wasn’t bad either.  As they were finishing their last round Ben turned his gun on Mark. 

            “For the longest time I thought I was the best shooter around here, but you proved me wrong.” Ben told him.  “My dream, ever since I remember, was to be the better than everyone else with a gun, to surpass everyone else’s skill. I wanted the title of Best Gunslinger.  I have trained endlessly to achieve this, but today you have proved that you are even better than me.”

            “It’s not that big a deal, Ben” Mark replied. “I can help you become just as good as I am, there are only a few modifications you would need to make.  With a little time I could help you become just ast good as I am. Maybe one day you could become even better”

            “Mark it may not be a big deal to you, but you have nearly crushed my dream,” Ben explained. “I don’t want to be as good as someone else, I want to be better.  The only way I can regain my title of being the fasted draw, the best shot, the best with a gun all around is to kill you.”

            Before Mark could say another word Ben shot him. Mark lay there on the ground dying and Ben walked away, content. Ben was, once again, the best with a gun . . . for now.  He realized he might have lost his chance with Sue but he had regained his title as The Fastest Draw.

             

           The Moral of the story is: Don’t let anyone or anything stand in the way of your dreams. :D