I have not posted for a while. I haven’t run out of ideas, I
just haven’t felt the need or desire to. Plus I am usually occupied at the
time(s) I used to write posts or busy hanging out with my brother (we
are trying an “experiment” called QUALITY
TIME [not to be confused with QUANTITY
TIME], at my request]). And my desire to write has decreased (but that
is neither here or now). “I don’t know
why I feel the need to defend myself.”
As
I woke up on July 31st, 2018, I found myself thinking about marriage,
not my marriage, but marriage in general. Is it needed or even desirable?
Still, in the current world? In the
following essay that is a question I hope to answer, or at least raise some
thoughts about.
WHY DO PEOPLE STILL GET MARRIED?
Is Marriage (Still) Necessary?
In the older days (I think until a
little while after the great depression, but don’t quote me on that) women
would get married so they wouldn’t be a penniless, spinster their whole life.
No word on why the men married. Maybe it was kindness, lust, or they truly
loved the woman. Who knows why men got married in those days? Today, however,
it seems that less and less people are seeing the need for marriage, they are
fine saying they love the person and want to be with him/her forever, but don’t
see the need to make it official. Are they wrong?
Let
me relate to you a personal story. I was dating a woman from June 30th
to November 11th, 2013. Somewhere in there she got me to agree to
let her sleep at my house, because A) most of our dates were at night, in my
home watching a movie (that’s not as boring as it sounds)so it was easier to
sleep over instead of going home late, B) my apartment was closer to her place
of work than her actual home and C) she asked and I saw no reason to say no. After she slept here a few weekdays (on
weekends she would go home to spend the days with her son, he didn’t live far
from her “official” place of residence. After she slept at my place for a few
nights (months, weeks, I don’t really remember for sure) I invited her to share
my bed with me (I did not intend to have sex with her, I was still thinking I
might wait until I was married, I was foolish).
Eventually she gave me a hand job and things got more and more serious
from there. It’s important to remember
that I was a virgin until this time, I was more than happy to let her change
that. What red-blooded heterosexual man would turn down sex with a woman who he
felt a connection with. This woman was
the first woman who I had dated, frequently, since 2003 or 2004 (yes, I might
be a loser). On top of that she seemed to understand what I said. This was a
big deal, because I have a speech disorder and she could understand almost
every single word without frequently asking me, “What?”
Then
one night she pointed out we were doing everything married couples do, EXCEPT
for getting married. “Nothing will really change afterward.” If my life were a
tv show I would freeze everyone around me, look at the camera and say, “that
ladies is gentlemen is a classic line and it always ends up being bullshit,” or
I might do a fake cough while saying, “Bullshit” or I could say, “That’s what
they always say and it is always a pile of bullshit,” or . . . but you get the
idea.
Ask
any married couple if things changed after their marriage and, as long as the
honeymoon phase is over I bet you they will answer with a resounding yes. My older brother was smart. He has a girlfriend who he is not married to and
as far as anyone knows they don’t plan to formally get married. My sister has
been married, divorced and she now she lives with her boyfriend and his two boys.
If you aren’t married you don’t officially belong to each other, you can
grab your stuff and leave at any time. I
don’t know if that’s why things change, but my girlfriend and her son (when he
wasn’t in school) moved into my apartment with my brother (she indirectly tried
to find ways so my brother WOULDN’T live with us, but that is another story)
and a two-person apartment is a cramped place for 4 people.
Marriage
may be a wonderful way for two people to express their love, but is it still
necessary. Can’t you just say, “I love you and I want you to be the woman I
fuck for the rest of my life, unless this relationship fails”? A marriage is
not any more permanent than living together, there are tons of people out there
who are divorced, and it’s a lot easier to end a relationship if it was never
recognized by the state in the first place (Divorces are a messy business and
they can take FOREVER to get finalized).
I’m
not saying that ALL people do what we did, but my ex and I had something called
a “Commitment Ceremony” and we were married except the state never knew it.
When I realized it wasn’t working I just told her that I needed some time to
think (two months is usually customary for a trial separation) and I realized
that my life was better without her. No divorce, no mess, I didn’t even have
any kind of permanent ownership of her kid. It was just over and done with.
In
the older days marriage was necessary and now it is continued so that we don’t
“live in sin,” but I feel that marriage has outstayed it’s welcome. If you are
worried about having sex out of wedlock Commitment Ceremonies are almost the
same thing. All this is just some
thoughts I was having and I just had to donate my two bits.
I
understand that this is a very sensitive area for some. You may feel that I am out of my depth and
don’t know what I’m talking about, that is possible (I was only married from
November 11th to Feb 25th), and you are more than welcome
to object. No two people are the same,
my thoughts may be a little different from yours or wildly different. Understand I’m not giving you permission to
divorce you significant other or even suggesting you do so. If you are married
and that is going well for you keep that going. But before you get married assess if you are
sure that’s what you want. Then ,if you
proceed with the marriage, after you’ve been married for a month/half a
year/whatever, take a step back and ask, “has my life truly become better or
worse from this marriage?”
