A new year a new poem

             I can’t really say much about this poem, at least beforehand. It just kind of came to me the other day, unfinished, but I’m still trying to figure out what it means.

 

OBSCURE POEM (but is it really?)

Burning,               Yearning,            Turning,      Moping,                Hoping,                Coping,    Conspire,              Desire,                  Retire.

 

          This poem may LOOK like just nine words put together in a box, but there is more to this poem. Try to think outside the box or read it a different way. Yes, I am being obscure on purpose. Some people will figure out the secret of this poem on the first reading, it may take others a little bit longer. If you are hopelessly lost ask someone else for help. If they can’t figure it out either feel free to email me

list and tips for hopeful writers

            I don’t know how often you have a question for an author/singer/or some other kind of artist that you need answered ASAP (as soon as possible). I know that it rarely happens to me, but if they are famous enough, they might have a website and if you’re lucky that website will have an FAQ or frequently asked questions. I am not often asked about my work or life, nevertheless, I have decided to compile my own FAQ                                                                                                                                                               

                                                    FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1.     How are you?

2.     What’s up?

3.     What’s your dog’s name?

4.     Pepsi?

5.     What’s your name?

6.     What?

7.     What?

8.     Michael?

9.     What?

10. What’s new?

11. Who?

12. When?

13. Where?

14. Why?

15. How?

Author’s note? I didn’t say FAQ & A I just said FAQ. ( I didn’t even say it, I typed it.)

 

 

Pointless bonus:  When I was in college (just after the Ice Age) I would submit poetry and/or short stories to my college literary magazine. I didn’t get published until one year I submitted a pantoum (a style of poetry). I wrote this pantoum in high school. It got published not because it was an amazing poem, but because it was a style of poetry. The next year I submitted a villanelle (another poetry style). I actually had written the villanelle that year.  Once again it was published in the literary magazine.

You might be thinking ‘this is all interesting, but why are you telling me this?’ my point is simply this: you can be an amazing writer, but someone else could get published just because they used a simple gimmick. If you are in college and you want your “15 minutes of fame” use a poetry style or an unusual simile. I.e. the man shook like a vibrator, not a leaf. The computer hummed like a man who had forgotten the words and tune to a song? The rain fell with a sound like someone who had just dropped a pound of glass? Try to be unusual!

A product of the times

PANDEMICS AREN’T FUNNY(OR ARE THEY?)

Well my friends, Corona Virus/Covid-19 has been going around for a while and no one seems to know for sure when or even IF it will be going away. We are all in isolation (to one degree or another) and some of us are more scared of it than others. 

Virus’ are not usually funny (well sometimes they might be funny AFTER the fact [Y2K, anyone?]), but people are still posting memes and parodies online all USING Covid-19 as their “punchline.” Whether you think the pandemic is real or a big hoax, a biological warfare from China or a just a virus that’s kills indiscriminately (Kind of like George R. R. Martin or Joss Whedon). This isn’t my best work, but I hope some of these make you laugh

JOKES I’VE HAD ABOUT THE PANDEMIC.

Corona Virus, Corona Extra,the definition of Corona: Collect them all.

Some people could compare the Corona virus to the holocaust,/Has hitler been reincarnated as the Corona Virus:? The holocaust, it’s not just for Jews anymore.

When you think about it Corona is just Androc backwards and Covid-18 is just 91-Divoc backwards. What do they mean? I’m not sure, but maybe that’s why it so hard to cure. Think if they had just named it Reeb then we could assume that the cure is Beer. But since it is called the Corona virus you can only assume beer would make it worse.

Mother says: “go outdoors, play with your friends, breathe,in the fresh air, get some sunshine. Going outdoors never hurt anyone”

Corona Virus: “Oh, really? Let’s fix that! >:D>

The Corona virus: It’s not just a fad, it’s a way of life 

I’ve heard Corona is SARS 2. Contrary to popular belief, SARS doesn’t stand for Super, Awesomely, Radical Sickness.

Have you ever realized that Trump and COVID both have five letters each? Coincidence? You decide.

A Corona Virus themed party would basically be party where only those you live with are invited. Otherwise you might get sick from someone in the community and/or spread the virus.

So when Jack told me he wanted a Corona themed birthday party i had to laugh.

Two stories.

The other day on facebook I was talking to a high school friend who I took creative writing with. While talking with him I got some inspiration for the stories below.

A SAD STORY

My mother purses her lips and i know it’s time to fly. She is setting me free to fend for myself. 

I fly for a while. It is amazing, exhilarating. I feel light as air.  I was worried for a while. Worried that might I fail as so many before me have. However, it looks like I might be a lucky one.  

Then it happens. My amazing feeling and optimism weren’t enough. I no longer feel so light. I have only been on my own for a short time and i fall toward the ground and as I hit the ground I lie there. Broken.

A NOSTALGIC STORY.

Jen is blowing bubbles from her bottle of bubble mixture. Spinning around and giggling. Blowing some with the air from her mouth, using the wind from her spins to blow others.

“Jen, time to come in and clean up for dinner,” Her mothers voice calls out.

“Yes mama,” she replies, wishing she could play outside for longer,

Jen blows one more bubble and goes inside to wash her hands and sit down to have dinner.

PLOT TWIST

These are both the same story

Looking for a girflriend?

THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS\

            It’s almost Christmas time and I bet most of us have had times when we were single around Christmas or New Year’s and thought to ourselves, I wish I had a girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. You may have even gone to the library (where the flesh and blood books live), online or maybe even so far as YouTube. Looking for ways to get a significant other. Looking for some way to have a romantic relationship before this year is over. Looking for pickup lines that actually work. Once in a while you might find one that actually is good advice. One that will actually get you new squeeze. People have studied what pickup lines are good and what ones will only get a smile.

These are all well and good but they neglect one vital area of research. The Pick-up lines that do NOT work. The pick-up lines that fail now, failed in the past, and will ALWAYS fail. So from a single white male (SWM) here are:

PICK UP LINES (AND TECHNIQUES) THAT WILL NOT GET YOU A GIRLFRIEND.

1. Walk into a lesbian bar and say almost anything sexual.
2. Walk into any social gathering and cry “I need a girlfriend, please.”
3. “Come on, you know you want me’
4. “I may not be the most attractive man here, but you aren’t the most attractive girl here either.”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

6. (Don’t remember where I heard this one.  Possible copyright infringement) “You may not be the most attractive woman in the world, but I’m the only one talking to you.”
7.“You remind me of my sister/mother/aunt/grandma: (OMG! What were you thinking?)/ or any other female family member
8. You remind me of my brother/dad” . . . You get the idea
9. What happened to you face!?!”

5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)
10. “Did you just fart? Because I was just blown away.” (That one might work with the right girl)
11. Rating her much below a ten on the “hotness meter.’
12. ([Don’t remember where I heard this one.  Possible copyright infringement]. Sure, it might work, but it’s a bad idea.) “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
“13. Date me or I’ll kill your guard/attack dog?”
14. “I’d love to rape you?”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

15. “Do you want to be the next girl I rape?
16. “Come on, you can trust me. I’m not a serial killer . . . yet.”
17. “Hey there, I’m Donald trump.” (It doesn’t work very well for the real Trump.)
18. “Marry me?” (LMAO *plop*)
“19. Date me?”
5. “I am Groot” (innocent whistle)

20. If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put 4 and 22 together.
21. Getting a girlfriend at family reunion? It’s usually frowned upon.
22. “We need to talk” (LOL)
23. “Do you ALWAYS dress that way?”
24.  “Make a porno with me.”
“5. “I am Groot.” (To be said in a higher voice or after inhaling helium.)

25>Father my children.”
26. How much do you charge?”
27. (For fans of the musical RENT} I want to fuck you Five hundred twenty-five thousand and six hundred different ways.
28. Sorry, I’m taken” (Yes, even if you have your fingers crossed behind your back.)

29. (I actually know a girl who had a man say to her something like) ‘Your eyebrows look like big bushy caterpillars’ (and he was dead serious).

And, of course, say it with me

5. WE are Groot. ;)

a flawed story

                I rarely let any pessimism show online. After all, who wants to read negativity? We have enough of our own problems to deal with why compound them with someone else’s problems? While that may be true I had to get this off my chest.

Alexa/the Echo Dot is not a professional story teller!

            Let me go beyond that and say that she’s not even a good story teller. Now some of you may be laughing, thinking We already knew that she’s a computer and she was MADE to be an assistant and the hope is that she will make out lives easier.  Others of you might be thinking, Wait, my Echo Dot can tell stories?

            Yes “she” can. Just ask her to tell you a story. Lately, Amazon has a thing going on where every day you can ask “her” to open you gift and “she” will give you a small gift. Today her gift was a story. Which brings us to the topic of this post.

Now keep in mind, I’m not claiming to be a professional story teller and I’m well aware that you can always say ‘this is what I would have done. However, if I can see these problems a better story teller would have probably pointed out these flaws as well. The story is titled “Sharing Season”  which gives away the ending but there’s more. The story is about a dog and cat waiting for some food from the Christmas feast to fall on the ground, when a meatball rolls right in between the two of them. I would have mentioned that part of the Christmas feast was spaghetti and meatballs, just to add a bit of tension. The cat pounces on the meatball and snickers “you snooze you lose” I would say the cat hisses “you snooze you lose” or something. Then the dog starts to whimper and bark. The family wonders what’s going on and see the dog, right after the cat rolls the meatball over to the dog to “frame” him? The meatball rolled onto the floor AND it is not bitten into. That is not a very successful framing job. The father says that they should let the dog keep it and the dog snickers at the cat. The cat ignores him but then the dog feels guilty and “growls ‘oh just take it’ ‘Really? ‘meows the cat’. Then the cat says “Wait, I have an idea” and the father says look under the table and the see two of them are sharing it. “’this is nice ‘the dog says. ‘Yes’ the cat purred, ‘but don’t get used to it.’”

I agree it’s a cute story but if you keep the titled in mind you know the dog and cat will end up sharing the meatball. The cat meows and purrs while the dog whimpers and barks. Is this author against dogs does the author even have a dog or a cat? The cat could have hissed instead of snickered as it pounced on the meatball. The dog can pant while speaking. The cat seems to show joy more than the dog. At the end the author could have said, “’This is nice’” the dog says WHILE WAGGING HIS TAIL”

In conclusion I would have change the title, so the ending isn’t so predictable, maybe “the dog or the cat?” or something. I would have mentioned the spaghetti and meatballs dish before a meatball rolls on the floor, just to add a little tension. I would have given the dog and a few more animal-like actions (you never see any real “innocent” happiness from the dog) and, minor point, I was hoping the cat was going to slice the meatball in half with “her” (?) claws  Just some gripes I have and ideas to improve this short story and any future stories others may wish to write. I might forget these tips, but I’m not a professional story teller either.

Do nice guys HAVE to finish last

A fun little side not this is my first poem that goes ABABAB, CDCDCD, EFEFEF. For those of you who don't speak poetry lingo, that means that the end of every single line in each verse/stanza rhymes with every other line in that stanza. You'll get the idea.

BREAKING FREE

I’ve heard that “good things come,

To those who wait.”

Does that mean just have fun

And procrastinate?

Don’t get things done,

Just trust in fate?

I’ve done that for,

A lot of my life

It can be kind of a bore,

I don’t mean to cause strife

I don’t want to wage war,

or stress 'bout a wife

But I’m though with that,

I don’t want to wait

taking off my patience hat,

I can’t just anticipate 

waiting for “my turn at bat”

And wishing for a true mate.

It’s time for me to go outside

And show 'em what I can do,

I’ve got an advocate by my side

Cuz I'M a person too,

You're welcome to join me on this ride

Cuz I'll be seeing you